Jokes

"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house. The woman quickly rolls over and blurts out, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, gathers some of his clothing, jumps through the window, and crawls through the bushes and out on the street. After a moment, a realization sinks in. He calmly goes back into the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" Without missing a beat she replies, while giving him a dirty look. "So why did you run?"

Wife comes downstairs and asks her husband, who is lying on a sofa, "What have you been doing?" He replies, "Killing Flies." "How many you have killed so far?" "Five, three males and two females." "How did you figure that out?" "Well, three were sitting on the remote and two were sitting on the phone."

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't? I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch. September came by, so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon. It was around then that the fight started. What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iRate, which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

Grandma, who was becoming an evermore intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, ring my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked. "You're coming empty handed?"

This is the shortest murder story ever written: Wife: Are you listening to me? Husband: No.

Girlfriend: Wanna see a magic trick? Boyfriend: Sure babe! Girlfriend: BAM! You're single.

"What did I do wrong, baby? [silence] Sweetheart... tell me what's wrong." "Nothing." "I know something's wrong..." "I'm fine." "Just tell me what I did." "You know what you did." "I really don't! Please tell me so I can fix it." "I shouldn't have to tell you. You should already know." "Well, please... since I don't... please just tell me!" [She sighs and turns around.] "Back in 1985..."

Fact: The speed at which your girlfriend says “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

A wife was sitting peacefully in her cozy armchair sewing her husband’s socks. Her husband came in to the room and glanced at what she was doing, and started badgering, “HONEY be more careful! PLEASE WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING! You don’t wan’t to poke YOUR finger! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Don’t look up when YOUR’E SEWING! There you go now slow and steady, nice even stitches." The wife puts down the needle and thread, looks up at her husband, and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know how many times I’ve sewn socks before?!" “EXACTLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET AT,” hollered the husband, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE DRIVEN A CAR BEFORE?!"

Women are just like modern art. You'll never enjoy either if you try to understand them.

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg. Wife: Who is Sabrina?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $5000, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat. HE paid for your Packer season tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your golf trip to St. Andrews and your new 4 x 4. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Wife: What are your plans for Easter? Husband: Same as Jesus... Wife: What do you mean? Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday! On hearing that the wife retorts,"AWESOME, you do that, I'll do a Mary and show up pregnant untouched by my husband." The man stayed home.

Two men are discussing their love lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."

On his deathbed barely able to breathe, Edward smelled the aroma of freshly baked brownies. He always had a passion for this confection and thought to himself, "If I could just have one more brownie I could die in peace!" He called to his wife but his voice was so frail she couldn't hear him. Not getting an answer, he slid out of the bed and onto the floor, then dragged himself across the room and out into the hallway. Down the hall and down the stairs he slowly moved, crawling hand over hand closer to that heavenly smell. At the bottom of the stairs he pulled himself along painfully—hand over hand closer to that delicious aroma. He continued—through the living room, across the dining room, and finally up into his chair at the dining table. He reached across the table and grabbed the tray of freshly baked brownies. But as Edward dragged the tray toward himself it made a scraping noise, and suddenly he heard his wife yell from the kitchen, "Don't touch the brownies, they're for the funeral!"

Women have many faults, men only have two... everything they say and everything they do.

Question: How do you turn a fox into a pit bull? Answer: You marry her.

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy pickings. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now Men......... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to get the best of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns a beautiful blue-green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

A man with a gun is robbing a bank. He asks one of the bank customers if he saw him rob the bank. The guy says he did. The robber then shoots him in the head killing him immediately. The robber then asks a couple nearest to him the same thing. The husband says that he didn't but his wife did.

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write ”Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey" she said,"'you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce

Bo tells Jed, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go." "Well, what are you going to do, then?" Jed asks. "Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant." "Yeah," Jed agrees. "Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again." "I remember," Jed says. "Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." "So," Jed asks, "what you gonna do this year that's different?" "Well," Bo replies, "this year I'm taking Earlene with me."

A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well." A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message: "This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

One day, a young girl went to the doctor with both sides of her face burned. The doctor asked, "What happened?" The girl replied, "Well, I was ironing my boyfriend's shirt until the phone rang. I picked it up and half my face was burnt!" The doctor replied, "What about the other half?" The girl answered, "They called back!"

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any strange traditions in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

The conversation starts between girl and boy: Boy: Do you have pen? Girl: No,I don't have. Boy: Do you have a pen? Girl: She became angry and replied and no no I don't have a pen. Again after sometime the boy asked; do you have a pen? Girl: No! NO... again if you ask once I will hit you by a hammer? Boy: Do you have a hammer?

Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so. Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother. So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still." You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother." But mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"