Jokes

Q. What is it called when you dream in color? A. A pigment of your imagination

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who made up the saying? Quit while you're ahead!

There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head. The robber asks "Any last requests?" The manager says, "LIFE!" The robber is caught off-guard, "You mean the cereal?"

- EVER WONDER - - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? - - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? - - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid - made with real lemons? - - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? - - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? - - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? - - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? - - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? - - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? - - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? - - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? - - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him. The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?" The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce." "Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome." "Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?" "Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise" ("There's no place like home for the holidays")

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings. Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying. Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part." "Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!" All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

Maddi: "But you've only known the man for two weeks! You're not thinking of marrying him are you?" Julia: "Well it isn't as if he's a total stranger... I have a girlfriend that was engaged to him for several years."

Mr. Jones visited the Widow Brown every evening and had tea. "Why don't you marry her?" ask a friend. "I have often thought about it," said Mr. Jones. "But where would I spend my evenings?"

"And you say you were in the town where I was born?" she murmured softly. "Yes," he replied. "And you thought of me, Bob?" she cooed. "I did," replied Bob. "I said to myself, 'Why, isn't this where what's-her-name born?'"

"Could you learn to love me?" ask the young man. "Well," sighed the young lady. "I did learn shorthand in just three months."

Gladys: "Listen to this, Mable. This is what my boy friend says in his letter. 'Darling, I think of you all day. Your naturally waved hair. Your brownish-gray eyes. Your slightly prominent cheekbones and your twenty-four inch waist.'" Mable: "Wow, that's a strange sort of love letter." Gladys: "Oh, didn't I tell you? Bob writes those descriptions of people that are wanted by the law."

The girl was very rich and the boy was poor but honest. She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night he had been a little more tender than usual. "You are very rich," he ventured. "Yes," she replied frankly, "I'm worth 1.25 million dollars." "And I'm poor," he replied. "Will you marry me?" "No." "I thought you would say no." "Then why did you ask me?" "Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses 1.25 million dollars."

A girl went to a palmist to have her hand read. "I see that you are in love with a tall man with a front tooth missing," the palmist said to her. "That's right," was the reply. "I see that he has ask you to marry him and his name is Bill Jones," the palmist said. "That's marvelous," said the girl. "How can you tell that from the lines on my hand?" "It's not the lines I am reading," the palmist said, "It's the ring you are wearing. I gave it back to Bill two weeks ago."

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.'' The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?'' The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out.

Floyd had taken his girlfriend on their third date and she had spoken to a nice-looking man at the next table. "Is that man a friend of yours?" ask Floyd. "Yes," she replied. "Then I think I'll ask him to join us." "Oh Floyd, this is so sudden!" "What's so sudden?" "Why he's our minister."

He was a bit shy, and after she had thrown her arms around him and kissed him for bringing her a bouquet of flowers, he arose and started to leave. "I'm sorry I offended you," she said. "Oh, no, I'm not offended," he replied. "I'm going for more flowers."

Sweetheart to her boyfriend: "Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!" Sweetheart: "Do you think I am the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world?" Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!" Sweetheart: "Do you think my lips are like rose petals?" Boyfriend: "Uh-huh!" Sweetheart: "Oh you say the most beautiful things!"

Mary Jones was debating on the best means of dropping her current flame. Her friend ask: "Are you worried because you think he'll tell lies about you?" Mary answered: "I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth I will break his neck!"

Steve met the family doctor on the street. "I hear your wife has gone to Palm Beach for her health," began the doctor. "What did she have?" "Eight hundred dollars her father gave her," answered Steve.

Zack met an old college friend who had never married and ask him about his bachelor status. Zack: "Tom, haven't you ever met a girl you care for?" Tom: "Oh yes, just last week I met a girl and fell in love at first sight." Zack: "What happened? Why didn't you get married?" Tom: "I took a second look."

When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.” “Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked. “No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”

My girlfriend is impossible to buy for so I asked her best friend what I should get her for her birthday. Best Friend: “Does she like you?” Me: “Oh yes, I am positive she likes me!!!” Best friend: “If she likes you, she’ll like anything.”

Him: "This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words." Her: "That's probably because a woman has to say everything twice." Him: "...What?"

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Saturday night. On Saturday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He said, "Hello?" I replied, "Hey, friend, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

As a man serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let him know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale. "I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something," she suggested. "I don't have a girlfriend," he answered. "No girlfriend? Why not?" "My wife won't let me. "

On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon my buddy and I stood on the first tee of our Golf Club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding dress came running up to him, crying. She slaps him in the face, turns, and runs away. My buddy turns to me and says calmly, "I don't know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained."

Bea: I hate that snobby Sue. Because of her I lost a hundred fifty pounds! Lucy: Wow! What did she do? Bea: She stole my boyfriend.

A guy asked for a goodnight kiss but the girl rebuffed him, saying, “I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date.” “Well,” he said, “how about on a last date?”