Jokes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship. I suggested she should embrace her mistakes. She then hugged me.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What is the difference between man and pig? A pig can never be a man.

I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive... Now they are starting to find me attractive...

A friend of mine was telling me that his girlfriend asked him if he would like to spend the weekend watching football games, eating chicken wings, and drinking beer. This excited my friend because he thought he had found the perfect mate, so he responded with a "YES!" with great enthusiasm. The girlfriend responded, "Perfect, because I am breaking up with you."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

The young man at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning nineteen and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or nineteen roses -- one for each year of her life. The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your nineteen-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your fifty-year-old wife." The young man bought a dozen roses.

I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed. Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German." "So what does 'nine' mean in German?" "It means 'No'."

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday. Not sure how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

Boy: Do you love me? Girl: Yes dear. Boy: Would you die for me? Girl: No, mine is an undying love.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening... But tonight with you wasn't it.

Tom: "If your girlfriend and your best friend were drowning, who would you save?" Hardy: "I don't know, that's a tough one." Tom: "Why is that?" Hardy: "Well, what were they doing together in the first place?"

I love you more than yesterday... Yesterday you just got on my nerves!

I just want a really nice guy who has a job... And the missing half of the golden amulet!

Sally told her boyfriend that she wanted to walk down the aisle... So he agreed, and took her grocery shopping.

Beautician: "Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?" Man: "It did for a while... then it fell off."

I have discovered the answer to a question that has been puzzling scientists for hundreds of years. What is the exact difference between a split second and a nanosecond? My girlfriend and I were getting ready to go to a fancy dinner when, right as we were about to leave home, my girlfriend asked me the question all guys dread. She asked, “Does this dress look bad on me?” If I had said “no” in a nanosecond, we’d have been out the door. However, since I took a split second before responding, she had to go back up to her closet to change, again.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. “You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!” “Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."

Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?" Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do." Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"

Tired of hearing her teenager complain about everything, the frustrated mother finally reached her boiling point. “Honey, let me give you some free life advice... Life IS as bad as you think, and yes, they ARE out to get you!”

The girlfriend stands by door, not sure what to say. “Honey, why is your whole upper half covered in baby oil?” “Well, you’re always saying I never glisten,” replies the boyfriend. “Listen! I said you never LISTEN!”

At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, “At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer.” The woman nodded. “I’ll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'”

A father texts his son: "My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My best love and good wishes. Your Father." His son texts back: "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!" His Father replies: "I know."

Wife: Whatcha doing? Me: Nothing. Wife: You did that yesterday. Me: I wasn't finished.

I believe the right girl for me is out there, in some corner of the earth... But unfortunately, the earth is round.

Six retired friends were playing poker when one of them loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. One of the guys says, “We’ve got to go tell his wife, who’s going to do it?” They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. "Leave it to me," Bob says. He goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When the dead man’s wife answers, Bob says, "Your husband just lost $1500 and is afraid to come home." "$1500? Tell him to drop dead!" snarls the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Bob.

An elderly man enters a jewelry store on a Friday night with a beautiful, much younger woman and states that he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler brings out a $5,000 ring. The man says, "No, I'd like to see something more special." The jeweler returns, this time with a $50,000 ring. The woman's eyes sparkle and the man seeing this, says, "We'll take it! I will give you a check now, so you can verify the funds on Monday with the bank. I'll then pick up the ring that afternoon." On Monday morning, the jeweler phones to tell the man, "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," is my reply. "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

My Girlfriend told me: "You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!" "Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet). She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch." So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer." My Girlfriend says, "Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!" So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!" My Girlfriend says, "Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.) I said, "Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"