Jokes

What did the "T" say to "here"? "Are we there yet?"

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother “Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can’t stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him. The mother couldn’t understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s’ talking about! We learned the hymn ‘Gladly The Cross I’d Bear'”.

I forgot where the sun came up.... Then it dawned on me.

Q: What do u call a midget psychic on the run from the law? A: A small medium at large.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What's the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a shift of wit and a fart is...............

I don't take offense. Fence thieves will take a fence, though.

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves."What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor."Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

There was this old eccentric man who constantly chased children off his property, never said hello to anyone he met and because of his negative character, was described as "A man of means!”

A man and a woman are eating in a restaurant. Suddenly, the woman got something stuck in her throat, causing her to choke. The man rushes outside, cuts a limb off a tree and whacks the woman across the back with it, dislodging the object in her throat. The headline in the paper read "Man gives woman the hemlock maneuver"

"Well, I finaly retired my old car", said the old man. His pal ask, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" "Naw nothing like that, I put four new Michelins on it."

The key to the success of all musicians of note is their ability to stay composed while performing at a level that can't be beat.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

A man put in 10 puns for a pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. But sadly, no pun in ten did.

I was going to tell you the joke about the pencil, but there's really no point to it.

The young son of a family of three balloons was sufficiently small for him to sleep with his parents in their bed. The time came when he became too big to fit in the bed and his father told him to sleep in another bedroom. During the night the son was afraid and went back to his parents but could not fit. He undid the knot in his father balloon to make him smaller and thus create some space and then re-knotted it. This did not work and he did the same to the mother balloon, still no joy, so he did the same to himself and eventually managed to snuggle in. The next day the father saw his son and very angry he said, “Son you’ve let me down, your mother down and worst of all you've let yourself down.”

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves.

A man was walking down the road with a bag of liverwurst under his arm. He came upon a young, very thin boy with a tern under his arm. The man asked "What are you doing with that bird under your arm?” The boy answered" I am very hungry and I want to eat this bird.” The man wanted to save the tern and at the same time ease the boy's hunger, so he traded the bag of liverwurst for the bird. In other words, he took a "TERN FOR THE WURST".

Two men out fishing for carp. One fellow stands up and as he does, his wallet falls out of his pocket and slowly sinks in the lake. As he tries to retrieve it, two huge carp show up and start fighting over possession of the wallet. The fellow turns to his comrade and states "First time I've seen carp to carp walleting!"

A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.

You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel. Q: What are the coins? A: One of them is not a nickel, the other one is, a nickel and a quarter.

A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes. ~What did he say after the guard locked him up? O-PUN the door!

An early morning storm produced a strong tornado, which damaged most of the roof of a Pasadena, Texas funeral home. Everyone there was scared stiff.

What do you call stinky noodles? Fedit-cheeni

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now—Let us spray!"

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat? The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

There was a guy who had a job as a vacuum designer. One day, when he came to work, he told his coworker about how his girlfriend has dumped him. "This sucks!" he says. His coworker replies, "well, that's the general idea."

Two young skunks named -In-and-Out go out to play. after a while Out got bored so he went in. Mummy skunk said that tea was ready and sent Out, out to tell In to come in. very quickly Out came in with In. That was quick said mummy skunk how did you find In so fast? Oh said Out that was easy. “IN STINKED.”