Jokes

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?" "No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...'"

"What does the Chaplain do? A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the Congressional Chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the Chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

Three prominent politicians in boarded the same flight to from New York to England. The first Politician started, “I can throw one $1000 note down and make one person laugh.” “I can make two persons laugh with just two $500 notes.” the second politician replied. The third politician retorted, “With just five pieces of $200 I can make five people laugh.” The pilot then looked at the politicians and added, “I’m the pilot here, meaning I can throw all of you down and make more than 150 million people laugh.”

A shot and a splash of water.

What's the difference between the Government & The Mafia? Only one of them is organized.

Donald Trump will kick Her Rump!

A Politician rang up the "self help" line and said "I'm fed up with my life and am going to kill myself" The operator said "where are you". The politician said "I am on the train track under the bridge" The operator said "please stay on the line"????

4 surgeons were discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside them is numbered." The second responds, "You should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!"

After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant. “You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying, shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money.

Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, "Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?" Connor says, “I do Sean, I do." "Well", says Sean, "The next time he gets up to talk, I'd like to see someone throw a shoe at his head". "Now, now, you know you're not supposed to wish harm on anyone", says Connor. "Oh!” says Sean, "I'm not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck."

Obama is already tapped to be the local transplant transfer official in his Chicago suburb when he leaves office. In other words, he's going to be the "Community Organ-icer!"

At a construction site on the 80th floor of a high rise building, the lone conservative on the crew was having a heated political discussion with the liberals on the project. Deciding to take a break, he called everyone over to the edge of the roof. "Did you know," he began, "that there are extremely violent invisible updrafts that are able to keep a body floating in mid-air? They only occur at certain times during the day between buildings. Here, I'll show you!" He then leaped off the side of the building, and with arms spread-eagle, floated effortlessly on an unseen cushion of air, and then gradually steered himself back to the safety of the roof. "That's awesome," one of the left-wingers shouted. "I want to try it." "Me too," another cried, and then another, and as they leaped over the side of the roof, one after the other, they fell 80 floors straight down to the ground, SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! A crowd rushed over to witness the carnage, and while doing so, one of the spectators looked up and remarked, "Boy, Clark Kent sure hates liberals!"

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? Congress!

Q: Who is the opposite of a Supreme Court Justice? A: Antonym Scalia

A speaker at Democratic National Convention asked the audience, "Are you better off now?" The audience answered in chorus voice, "Yes." As soon as the loud voice turned silent, a delegate stood up and asked, "How did the GOP get better off?" The speaker declared, "We all are on the same boat, remember?" The delegate exasperated, "Yeah, Noah's Ark - animals in couples!"

At a seminar on American Social Justice, a Civil Rights leader opined, "Anti-Americans are killing the better Americans - the likes of Osama-bin-Laden, Bernie Madoff, John Gotti, to name a few - surprising and confusing most Americans." He further pointed out, "More surprising is the fact that Mob Wives are popular celebrities today."

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?" A student answered, "The First Pet?" The teacher then asked, "Why?" The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

An independent voter was exploring the candidates and their parties. He asked a campaigner of a party, "who represents your candidate?" The campaigner answered, "Donkey". The voter asked a campaigner of another party the same question. The campaigner answered, "Elephant". The voter then asked his wife, "who should I vote for - Donkey or Elephant?" The wife suggested, "either one; both are same - animals."

If pros are opposite of cons; that means congress is the opposite of progress.

Q: Do politicians ever lie? A: What do you think they get paid for?

The Queens Riddle Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there... any tips you can give to me?" ‎"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please ... See More send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ran into Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, “Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Sarah Palin answered back, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!" Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster. “There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune __ but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster __ but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune

Discussing the environment with his friend, John asked, “Which of our natural resources do you think will become exhausted first?” “The taxpayer,” replied his friend.

A carrier pigeon stopped to rest on the window sill in the Pentagon building. Close behind him came another pigeon who stopped off to talk. “Where you going?’ asked the second pigeon. “To section M to deliver an order,” answered the first. “What’s the number of the order?” “234XZY-Q78955-421YYTX,” replied the first. “Better get a move on,” said the second. “I got an order to rescind it.”

The workman was hanging a sigh outside of Congress. It read, “Solicitors, fakers and grafters will not be permitted in the House.” Just then a senator happened by. “Better strike out grafters,” he said, “or we’ll never be able to raise a quorum.”

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.

The economy is so bad that:Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

The economy is so bad that:CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Q: How do you get a Democrat to pay taxes? A: Give them "Change" and "Hope"

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.