Jokes

Two convicts were sitting on their cot in a jail cell. One says to the other, "I hear you’re getting out in a few days. Tell me something are you going straight, or are you going back into politics?"

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ‘Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. ‘No problem, just let me in,' says the man. ‘Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. ‘Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. ‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules. ‘And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ‘Now it's time to visit heaven. ‘So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. ‘Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. ‘The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. ‘So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

Every few days Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama accuse and criticize what the other has said or meant. They are beginning to sound like they are married to each other.

Two prisoners were sitting in their cell talking, one said to the other, “You are getting out in a couple of weeks, are you going straight or back in Politics.

Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence. The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."

Heaven is a place where: The lovers are Italian The cooks are French The mechanics are German The police are English, and The government is run by the Swiss

Q. What is the true definition of a diplomat? A. It is a person who can tell someone to go to Hell and they would look forward to the trip.

Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.

What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say? "I'll be Bach."

“What do you think of Red China?” One woman asked another during a party on world affairs. “Oh, I don’t know,” said the other woman. “I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth.”

An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world’s smartest politician grabbed my backpack

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

When the maintenance men removed the 10 Commandments from the courthouse, nobody said anything - until the statue fell off the dolly and cracked a little. Everybody yelled, "Run!"

This administration has conclusively discovered how to deal wit the deficit. It’s a skill, which requires addition and distraction.

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy

George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, “I cannot tell a lie!" But people often repeat this story because it shows Washington's honesty. One day, Little Suzy once asked her mother, "Mom, do people who never tell lies go to heaven?" "Yes", her mother answered, "they are the only ones." "Gosh, I bet it gets lonesome up there with just God and George Washington!” replied Little Suzy.

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu: Par boiled Priest $12.00 Roast Lion Hunter $14.00 Steamed Politician $198.50 They struggled in, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?" "Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "Did you ever try to clean one of those suckers?"

Christopher Columbus was the first ever-successful politician of the world because he didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did all of it only on borrowed money!

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?" Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place, I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"

Q. What is a conservative? A. A conservative is an X-liberal that got mugged.

Tony Blair and George W Bush had been sent to hell. The Devil had prepared two cells for them. Tony Blair walked into this dingy cold room that had rats running all over it. The Devil said, "Tony Blair, this is your eternal punishment!" George W Bush was not looking forward to his cell, so imagine his surprise when he entered a beautiful pink room with Pamela Anderson inside. The Devil announced, "Pamela Anderson, this is your eternal punishment!"

A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate’s little speech, the fellow said, “Vote for you? Why I’d rather vote for the Devil!” “I understand,” said the candidate, “but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?”

America's First Law of Motion: An object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object tends to stay at rest, unless an external force acts upon the object. Meaning America tends to go its way unless acted upon by Osama. America's Second Law of Motion: The acceleration of a body is proportional to the force applied on it. Meaning The number of sleeping pills an American takes is directly proportional to the number of video tapes Osama releases. America's Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning For every death of an American, there is a death of an afghan.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

Fidel Castro dies and goes up to heaven. He's standing at Heavens gate and St. Peter tells him it was because of what he did to his people, so he will be going to hell. When Fidel gets to hell he tells Satan he left his bags in heaven and needs to go get them. Satan says "I'll get two of my demons to get them for you." The demons are in Heaven and they both are wondering where his bags are. One of the demons looks over the gates and they both start climbing the gates and an angel sees them and says " Great he's already sending refugees over."

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

Q: How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan? A: None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma!!!," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!!!" "Honestly?", his mother replied. The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified  10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.  9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."  8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."  7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.  6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.  5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"  4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"  3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.  2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"  ….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..  1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.