Jokes

I've been thinking of a career change. I went to a career counselor and found out in testing that I scored off the charts for having a highly dynamic persona and a great smile. I was also told I'm not very good at follow through nor do I accomplish much though I do appear to look busy. Here's the good news! My career counselor told me to "run for public office", even though I'm over qualified!

"Dad what do you call a lady president?" "Well son, you call a lady president 'Madam President'." "If that's what I call a lady president, what would I call a queen?" "You already know that one son, you call her mom."

Why do we have elections in November? Could it be that is the best month to select turkeys?

In demonstrating the division of powers within the government, the teacher used the family structure as an example. One boy stood up and said, “It looks like my mom’s the president then, because she veto’s everything.”

Q. What did it mean when the vampire saw himself in the mirror? A. It meant he died. Q. So how did the vampire die? A. He accidentally ordered “stake” and eggs at the silver bullet cafe. Q. So where do vampires go when they die? A. Actually they reincarnate and go to work for the government.

Ronald and Hillary, opposing candidates for the upcoming local PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) elections, walk into a donut shop for a quick snack. As soon as Hillary gets to the front of the line, she shoves 3 donuts into her pockets. Ronald says, "Really? You have to steal the donuts?" Hillary replies, "I shouldn't have to pay for them since i will be the next PTA President!" Ronald says, "Watch, I will get 3 for free by asking!" When he gets to the front of the line, he asks the clerk, "If i show you a magic trick, can i have 3 donuts for free?" "Sure," replied the clerk. So Ronald eats the first donut. "Mmmm, that was tasty." Then he eats the second and third donuts, "Mmmmm, they were just as good as the first!" The clerk replied, "Where was the magic trick?" Then Ronald replies, "Poof! Now look in Hillary's pockets!"

How do you make a politician laugh? It's easy, just let them get away with something. The worse it is, the harder they laugh.

A couple’s only daughter had just graduated from law school. Her parents were very surprised to find out she had recently become engaged to a man they had never met. The daughter also announced that she’d be bringing her fiancee over to meet them that evening. The moment the parents opened front door to greet them the warm welcoming smiles on faces of both parents completely vanished. Their open happy expressions were instantly replaced by a look not far from shock. The young man in their doorway had an athletic build, chiseled features with a picture perfect bright smile! He was wearing a silk tie a tailored suite along with expensive Italian shoes. He didn’t have one hair out of place on his head and when he spoke his deep confident voice was absolutely mesmerizing. His charismatic presence seemed to command respect and admiration though his demeanor was open and friendly. By this time both of the parents were visibly shaken making this quite an awkward moment for all concerned. Silently wincing the mother almost broke out in tears as she shook the young mans firm yet warm gentle hand. Only able to make partial eye contact and with a slight tremble in his voice the father hesitantly asked the young man what he did for a living. The young man replied: I’m a used car salesman! A huge sigh of relief came over both parents as they instantly resurrected their welcoming smiles once again. The father said we’re so happy to hear that son, for a moment there we thought you might be a politician.

Cousin It was getting tired of being just the hired hand around the Addams family household. The family had moved to the feudal nation of Armenia and It decided to run for feudal lord. While not quite a democracy, elections were still the path to choosing the next leader who would exercise power and authority over the nation. With Gomez, Morticia and Festus fiercely campaigning for their beloved candidate, election day arrived. The precincts opened, ballots were cast, and the votes were counted. The polls had showed a close contest between the four candidates running, but when the final tally was announced, Cousin It had received the most votes. With all the Addams family and his supporters cheering him on, Cousin It was beside himself as he approached the podium. "I won! I won!" It screamed. "Bring me the wine. I'm serving!" With glass raised, Gomez shouted, "When IT reigns, IT pours!"

What would happen if Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton married each other? For the first time in history, the White House would demand a very large security deposit.

The veteran politician, not known for his public speaking skills, was going to give a speech at the Olympics. He looked at the teleprompter and began, "O, O, O, O, O." An aid quickly ran over and told him, "That is the logo sir."

A guy asked his lawyer, "If I pay off crooks, is it illegal?" The lawyer replies, "Yes, you'd be involved in a conspiracy." "Good," said the man, been looking for a way to avoid paying my taxes!

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter... Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

It was revealed in a UK government survey that the prime minister was doing the work of two men... Those two men would be Laurel and Hardy.

(Little brother to his older sister) What is political correctness? (Older sister) It's something you're not suppose to talk about. (Little brother) How am I going to find out what it is if I can't talk about it? (Older sister) You can talk about it but you have to talk about it in the right way. (Little brother) How do I talk about it the right way? (Older Sister) Just don't say anything and you can't go wrong! (Little brother) How am I suppose to communicate and tell people how I feel. (Older Sister) I haven't got that part figured out yet, it's a slippery slope. (Little brother) What's a slippery slope?

How do you spot a crooked politician? It's easy... Go to your browser, go to search images, type in politicians... It works every time!

A dog and a chicken walked into a bar. The bartender started to laugh... The dog leaned over and whispered in the chicken’s ear, "Do you still have the ALCU on speed dial? I think we have a case here!"

Many small towns in rural Maine are too small for a town manager so they elect (select) at their town meetings "Select Persons" to do the town's business. Athens was very proud that they elected the first female Select Person. She was not a native and had recently moved from New Jersey where things were very sophisticated compared to this 130 person town. Wanting to impress the town's people her first decision was to convince the other two Select Persons to make the main street "One Way Only", just like her home town in NJ. The biggest problem resulting from this decision however, is that everyone can go to work, they just can't get back.

President: I can't sign this bill, it's completely absurd. If I turn this into law it will raise taxes by 5 percent and extend the work week to six days instead of five. Congress: Please note Mr. President on page 5027, under subsection 22, clause B, it exempts all members of the executive and the judicial branches as well as congress for life. Plus we all get a 50 percent raise and enhanced retirement benefits. President: Perfect, got a pen?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there's a fire at the empty warehouse across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Ever wonder why all the oil wells are in Texas and the dip sticks in Washington, DC?

I love the game, "Survivor". They start out with 20 contestants who are systematically knocked out of the game until there are only three left. The winner is the one who lies and backstabs the most people. You know, like politics.

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on. A police constable stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all parliamentarians and senators pass from here?" Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

AJokeADay has something in common with Donald trump. Both use the slogan may the best joke win!

What is the difference between a politician and an actor? An actor gets better scripts with more credible story-lines.

Former Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney is now a rapper ... his rap name is 47 cent!

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

Who was the President before JFK got assassinated? JFK

If con is the opposite of pro, then congress is the opposite of progress.