Jokes

Q: How can you determine when the portable stage is level? A: The drummer will be drooling equally out of both corners of his mouth.

The drummer twisted a peg on the bassist's guitar then refused to tell him which one.

What did the famous musician say the moment he was born? I'LL BE BACH!

Sam Frank and Frank Sam were best friends. They did everything together, and they both loved music. Sam Frank was an accomplished pianist and Frank Sam was a harpist. They spent many happy hours playing duets. They both happened to die on the same day. Frank Sam went to heaven, but apparently Sam Frank led a life that was not as chaste, for he ended up in Hell. After a few weeks, Frank Sam began to miss his life long friend so he went to Saint Peter and asked if he could go down and visit him in Hell. Saint Peter, after much discussion agreed, but told Frank Sam he must be back before midnight. The Pearly Gates closed at the last strike of the clock, and if he wasn't back he would have to remain in Hell forever. Frank grabbed his harp and went to visit Sam. When he got down there, he discovered that Sam Frank was doing OK in Hell. He was the manager of a disco. The two old friends had a wonderful time together. They spent the day playing duets, and that night, they danced and partied in the disco. Suddenly Frank Sam heard the clock begin to strike midnight. He ran out of the disco and flew back to heaven as fast as he could. He barely made it in before the gates closed. Soon after he arrived, he gasped and desperately started searching for Saint Peter. When he found him, he told Saint Peter that he had to go back to Hell right away. When Saint Peter asked why, Frank Sam began to wail, "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco..."

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

The viola got a solo......

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil. “Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life. “What happened?” ask Phil. Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.” “How about you?” “Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error. So the IRS operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood." She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

I read that "by law you have to turn on your headlights when it is raining in SWEDEN." How am I suppose to know if it's raining in Sweden???

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR." On an Athi River highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE." In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID." In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY." Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE." From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO MOSCOW, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT." A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

How are people in Dubai and Abu Dhabi different? The ones in Dubai do NOT watch the Flintstones. But those in Abu Dhabi Do!

An indian man was walking down the road when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell to the ground. And ambulance was called and within minutes the ambulance arrived. The victim was taken into the ambulance and it sped off. In the ambulance the victim being a religious man started to repeat "hari om, hari hom, ari om" The ambulance drove as fast as it could siren sounding and lights flashing. Finally it arrived! They took the victim down and pushed him to the door and rang the doorbell. A woman appeared and was shocked to see her husband on stretcher and inquired what happened. The medical officer explained what happened to her. She screamed," why didn't you take him to the hospital!?" The medical officer explained, " we tried too but he kept repeating "hurry home hurry home hurry home'. So we took him right to his home.' The wife was furious and exclaimed, "you idiot! He was praying our hindu prayer "hari om hari om!'

Two men, an American and an Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems.. The Indian man said to the American, 'We have problem in India we can't marry the one whom we love, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a lot of family problems. The American said, talking about love marriages... In America We can marry the one whom we love. I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.And you say you have family problems. The Indian fainted........!

Last night I was going threw some paper work when I ran across my birth certificate. Looking at the bottom of the certificate in fine print it read-- Made in the USA -- limited lifetime warranty.

Two Irishmen, Murphy, and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends. He calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friend's bedside and kneels down. "O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under my bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into my bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request. "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through my kidneys first?"

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan! " After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan! " And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan! " The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive! " There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan! "

Three Spies are captured in London. One is German, one is French and the other is Italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"? Then the Italian man says, "I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

I went to a speciality shop to buy a bra for my wife The clerk said he needed to know something about her before making a suggestion for instance: We have a Presbyterian bra that is firm and supportive. We have the Salvation Army bra that is warm and uplifting. The clerk asked me do you understand? I said yes she is Jewish, small busted and always finding fault with me. You need the Jewish bra. It makes mountains out of mole hills

Q.: What's the difference between Germans who are computer illiterate and Germans who are computer whizzes? A.: In Germany, computer illiterates say, "Guten Tag," whereas, computer whizzes say, "Guten Toggle."

2 Irish Divers investigating the Sunken Titanic................. Were really surprised to see the swimming pool was still full ;-)

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck." He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so "Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."

Irish Saw mill Accident.... Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local saw mill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily, Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

There was some upset at Margaret Thatcher’s funeral when the decorations were being prepared. More specifically over the drawing pins used to put them up. The upset was caused because a cheap Polish imported brand was used; people said the organizers should have supported British businesses. Apparently some people were so upset they threatened to go on hunger strike. I thought we'd seen the end of the Pole Tacks Diets.

A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop to try on dresses for their school formal. “Gross,” complained one girl loudly to her friends, “this dress makes me look 40 years old!” “May I have it?” called out the lady. “That’s just what I’m looking for!”

Did you hear about the big power outage last week that hit New York City’s Theater District ? It was a real show stopper!

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER Wired: THE LAST NEW THING Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR Readers Digest: 'BYE Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS? TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR! Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET! Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

A robber was found wounded in an electronics store... He tried breaking in from the roof but unfortunately for him, he fell on a 'Sharp' TV.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it! Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it! Fifty-one people swindled!”