Jokes

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution. "Is there another door I could use?"

An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Irritated Boss: "Can't you hear that the phone is ringing? You must answer the telephone!" New Secretary: "All right, but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you."

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.

SIGN: Out to lunch! If not back by five, out for dinner!

A man got in line at the DMV and a worker told him, "Sir, you need to take a number before you get in line." The man asked, "What number we at?" The worker replied, "We're on number six." The man said, "Alright, I'll take seven."

Dave irritated everyone in our office. Whether it was the tone of his voice or his condescending attitude, we all steered clear. He must have suspected he was annoying because he asked a co-worker, "Why does everybody take an instant dislike to me?" Larry responded, "It saves time."

I was always told that in some jobs no matter what you do to progress a glass ceiling may be in the way... I was so concerned by this that on my first day I took along a catapult!

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number. Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

How do you get hiring managers to hire you? 1. Put up posters of yourself in the company parking lot. 2. Announced your candidacy with a singing telegram. 3. Rent a billboard which the hiring manager can see from his/her office, listing your qualifications. 4. Deliver prepaid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with your name and phone number.

The height of bad luck... Your battery is at 2% and you see your boss upload pictures of himself and his family... Wanting to impress him, you quickly comment "cool pics" but auto correct changes it to "cool pigs"... Just as your battery runs out.

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is, “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

Smith was always tired. After a while, he became known in the office for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day. Granted, he had a good reason. His wife had just had twins and he didn't get much sleep at home. But his boss was having none of it. He told Smith that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired. That same week, the boss decided to make a surprise visit at Smith's desk, to see if the situation had improved. You can imagine what happened next, he found Smith asleep. But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: "... and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of the Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which direction you’re coming from.”

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

My colleague has been living in this country only a few months and is just learning the language. Although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”

Everyone brings JOY to my office... Some when they enter, others when they leave.

An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but the agent said the patient had altered it. The giveaway? The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body part identification and the 'k' sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me. “Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word. “No, that’s your chin,” he said. He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked. “No, that’s your other chin.”

The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a check for $5,000!” Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another. “And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks!”

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it's completely dark. Then there's this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap. The manager is thinking, "My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead." The woman is thinking, "The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it." And the assistant is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!"

Two friends went for an interview for the same job. One was educated and the other wasn't, so they agreed to help each other.They agreed that the educated one would go first and when he was done, he would give the other the answers to all the questions. The first guy's interview started: QN 1: "When was Tanzania's independence?" GUY 1: "It was supposed to be 1960 but it was postponed to 1961 due to many reasons." QN 2: "Who brought independence to Tanzania?" GUY 1: "So many participated but it was Mwalimu Nyerere who finalized it." QN 3: "It's believed that in planet Mars, there is life... is it true?" GUY 1: "So many people say so, but it has not been scientifically proven." When he left the interview room, he went straight to his uneducated friend and gave him all the answers. Second guy's interview also started: QN 1: "When were you born?" GUY 2: "It was supposed to be 1960 but it was postponed to 1961." QN 2: "What!! Who is your father?" GUY 2: "So many participated but it was Mr. Nyere who finalized it." QN 3: "Oh My! Are u CRAZY???" GUY 2: "So many say so but it has not been scientifically proven!"

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the manager said. "But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the wealthy fellow and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost 1 foot high!" Lesson: Never trust managers... They will go to any extreme to finish their job.

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets." "That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence." After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers."

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

Male job interviewer: "Last name?" Attractive blonde interviewee: "Pelling... P...E...L...L...I...N...G..." Interviewer: "Marital status ?" Interviewee: "Single, no kids." Interviewer, after pausing to 'check her out', asks: "Are you purposely miss-spelling?"

Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime