Jokes

I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes. 'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, out of the way, town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. You want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Several years ago, I purchased a chest type freezer. My best friend came over to see it. She said, "My dad told me how you can tell if you have a tight seal on your freezer. If you put a dollar bill in between the top of the freezer and the bottom of the freezer and you can't pull it out, then you have a good seal." "Wow, let's try it!" I said. "Sorry, we can't," she began. "All I have is a ten."

How is golf like taxes? You drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029). This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the over-payment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do we call places to put money in 'Branches'?

Take five female pigs, and put them with five male deer. You would have ten sows and bucks!

Back in the 1970s, 8 WAS enough. Fast forward almost 40 years later, 19 and Counting, STILL AIN'T ENOUGH!

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.” Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, no," he said, 'my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.' "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said: "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Why is it hard to believe Elsa is the queen of Frozen? Because every time somebody with a small child walks past her products in a store their assets start leaking.

My uncle was crushed by a piano.... His funeral was very low key

I used to be in a band called The Hinges... We opened for The Doors!

Why did the members of a new rock band wear costumes, masks, and capes? Why else, because they were a super-group!

The owner of a musical instrument store summoned one of his staff who was overheard arguing with a customer. He asked her what they were arguing about. "She wanted a guitar, and I told her we didn't have one." The boss said, "So she wanted a guitar, the customer is always right. Why did you give her a hard time?" "Well, for starters, she was left-handed, so she wasn't right."

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?"

"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?" “A choir?” "Okay, fine... how much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group?"

Mother to music teacher: “Jimmy has been taking violin lessons for 6 weeks now. What suggestions do you have to assist my son in learning to play the violin?” Music teacher: “A new bridge for his violin.” Mother: “OK. Did his get broken?” Music teacher: “No, I think it will help him get his music across.”

The conductor turned to the viola student and said, “You should have taken up the viola earlier." “Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?” “No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”

A little boy thanked his grandfather for the set of drums he bought him for his birthday. “They’re the best present I’ve ever had,” he said. “They’ve already earned me $80.” “Wow!”’ said the grandfather. “You must have learned to play them real good!” “Not really,” said the boy. “But Mom gives me $5 not to play them during the day, and Dad gives me $5 not to play them in the evening.”

A guy kept boring his friends by going on and on about his ideas for a musical based on his life. Eventually one of them said to him, “Look man, there’s no need to make a song and dance about it!”

A music store was robbed last week... Thieves made away with the lute.

Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot. One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all types of music. Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died. The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' 50 times in a row..." The other music lover said, "Please, shoot me first!"

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started." Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with." The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I." "Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

I think the rap world may be shrinking... It used to be The Notorious B.I.G., Big Pun, Big Daddy Kane, and a big list of others... Now it is Lil Wayne, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Kim and a long little list of other littles.

The percussionist, tired of being teased by her band-mates, decides to switch instruments. She walks into the local music shop, points to her choices and says, “I’ll take that trumpet and that accordion.” The shop assistant looks at her for a second and replies, “Okay, you can take the fire extinguisher, but the radiator’s not for sale.”

Patient: "Doctor, all day I've been feeling like a mouth organ." Dr: "That's funny, there was a lady in this morning with the same problem." Patient: "Yep, that would have been our Monica."

What type of music do unpaid musicians play? Baroque!

Bob: How are we going to sing tonight with these colds? Charlie: I’ll sing solo and you sing tenor! Bob: Solo? Tenor? What in the world are you talking about? Charlie: I’ll sing solo, so low that I can’t be heard! You sing tenor, ten or twelve miles down the road!