Jokes

Always borrow money from a pessimist... ...they never expect it back!

I am so broke, I had to put my nervous breakdown on layaway.

A man was very excited when he saw the text message on his phone, “Salary credited to your bank account." Jumping for joy, he rushed towards his car to go out shopping. As soon he opened the door of the car, he received another message, “Car loan debited from bank account." He closed the door of the car and decided to take a taxi. As he halted a taxi, he got another message, “Credit card payment made.” He changed his mind again and started walking towards a local mall. As he entered the mall, he got yet another text, “Please maintain minimum balance in your bank account.” He turned around and started walking back home.

Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel? It had more cents.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

I was invited to this indoor wedding over the weekend. When I reached the hotel venue, I found two doors. One said, 'Bride relatives' and the other said, 'Groom relatives'. "Hmmm, interesting," I said to myself as I entered the door marked Groom relatives. I then found two more doors. One said 'Ladies' and the other said, 'Men'. I started laughing out loud as I entered the ladies door and found two more doors written, 'People with gifts' and 'People without gifts'. I entered the people without gifts door... I found myself outside of the hotel.

Whose decision was it to put Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill? Wouldn't it make sense to honor Burr, the guy who actually WON the duel?

Driving back from Vermont, I stopped at a vegetable stand. It was deserted except for a sleeping German shepherd. I stepped over the dog, helped myself to some corn, then opened the cash box to pay. Taped to the inside of the lid was this note: "The dog can count."

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge. “No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit!”

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?” The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?” “Um, no,” mumbled the director. “Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?” “I … I … I had no idea.” “So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.” Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook, “That's okay, I’m using rubber.”

Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars." The second guy says, "Oh, I'm working on my second million." "Really?" asked the first guy, surprised. "Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."

I have decided to RETIRE and live off my savings... Though I'm not sure what I will use the second week...

I'm one step closer to my goal for GETTING RICH... All I need now is money!

Why is the moon like a dollar? It has four quarters.

I went to a new bank in town to open a joint account. At one point in the application they ask for the second name on the account. Apparently the bank did not like my response. I wrote down, 'Anyone who has a lot of money.'

I am so Broke... when I stop at a street corner, the homeless give me money. I am so Broke... my bank statement shows TWO decimals points on my current balance. I am so Broke... a televangelist said that all of His children will prosper, except this guy and shows my picture. I am so Broke... mathematicians can now show that if you divide any number by zero, it will equal what is in my bank account. I am so Broke... I can't afford anything Free. I am so Broke... even my IP address is 00.00.00.00 I am so Broke... I am proof that multiplying a negative and a negative WILL give you a negative again. I am so Broke... when I use a calculator to get the value of Pi, all I get is .1

My credit is so bad, I received a credit card offer that was PRE-DECLINED.

I opened my electric bill at the same time I opened my water bill. Needless to say, I was shocked.

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester. "You'll get $24," said the clerk. "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check. "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

You hear about the skunk arrested for counterfeiting? He was giving out bad scents!

I received a call from a gentleman that indicated he had stolen my ID... He said he was RETURNING it because my credit was soooooo bad.

You know a mother once told her ambitious wall street son, "Money will not make you happy." "That's true mom, but it will make you miserable in a better environment."

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit. "What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I’ve bought cars for $500!" "That’s why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don’t have to drive $500 cars."

Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks... Me? I wake up feeling more like "Insufficient Funds".

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?" As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen. "Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

Are you tired of being ripped off? Have no fear! Send me a check for $29.99 plus $3.99 shipping and handling and you'll get my brand new book, "How Not To Get Ripped Off"!

Ben, a taxi driver working the midnight shift was exhausted after a few fares, and decided he needed to take a nap. Parking behind a convenience store, he leaned back and immediately fell asleep. About an hour later he was awakened by a knock on the window. "Can you spare a dime?" asked a homeless man. Even though he was slightly perturbed, Ben reached into his pocket and handed him a dollar. Once again he settled back for a nap. A half hour later, he was again awakened by a knock on the window. "Brother, can you be so kind to give me a little change?", begged another wayfarer. More than a little perturbed this time, he throws a dollar at the man and angrily closes his window. Ben then takes out a piece of paper and writes on it, 'I don't have any money!' He sticks it on his windshield and settles back again for a much needed rest. Quickly falling soundly asleep, he was nonetheless awakened by another furious rap on his window. Rolling it down, he saw yet another homeless man. "What in tarnation do YOU want?" Ben yelled. "I saw the sign on your windshield," the man began, "and since I've been having a pretty good night panhandling, I thought I'd give you a couple of bucks to get you back on your feet."

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”