Jokes

A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted... "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

An accountant got out of bed one morning and complained that he had not slept a wink. “Why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked. “I did, and that’s what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied. “I made a mistake the first hour, and it took until this morning to correct it.”

Bob: Hey Al, you know you owe me $500. Al: Yes. Bob: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll forget half of the money. Al: That’s perfect, I’ll forget the other half.

"You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another. "That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?" "Sure." "And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?" "Sure." "And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?" "No." "No? Why?" "Because I have two shirts."

Husband to stepford wife: "There are times we must save money and make every nickel count!" Wife: "That's the reason I bought three loaves of bread today." Husband: "Three loaves of bread? I haven't seen anything in the news where there has been a raise in bread." Wife: "I don't know anything about the news, but I saw a sign in the window that sure did say it." Husband: "What did the sign say?" Wife: "It said: Raisin bread tomorrow."

A man went into a discount store and asked the woman cashier if everything in the shop was $1. “That’s right,” she said. “Every item in the store.” So he gave her a dollar and asked for the cash register.

Joe: "Your father is so stingy he looks over the top of his glasses to keep them from wearing out." Jack: "He's not stingy. He's just economical." Joe: "He's so economical he hasn't spent over$100 dollars over the last five years." Jack: "That's not so economical. My brother is more economical than that. But he'll be out next Monday."

I started out with nothing... And I still have most of it.

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please." She looked at me, confused, and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!" "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac!"

The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?" "No," I replied. "Would you like to consolidate all your debts?" "I really don't have any," I said. "How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried. "I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried. There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

A man told his wife that when he died, he wished to be buried with all his money. He died and was buried. The wife was asked if she indeed buried the husband with all the money. She said she had done exactly what the husband had requested her to do. She said, “My husband had two million dollars when he died. If you dug up his body today, you would find his bones and a check for two million dollars!"

My friend seemed really down as we were having an after work visit to the local bar. After a few beers he finally shared his story. "I finally snapped. Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof. I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.” “Did it help?” “I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and sailing equipment.”

A man was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer. “You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?” “I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.” “So?” “Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimeters too big!”

Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change. “Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.” “How do you mean?” asked the woman. “Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.” “So where did it all go wrong?” she asked. The homeless man sighed, “I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”

Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!” ”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?”

A married couple were enjoying a luxury South Sea cruise until their liner was shipwrecked and they were washed ashore on a desert island, the only survivors. Day after day, they looked hopefully out to sea in the hope of spotting a passing vessel but none came. As boredom set in, they started to think about their home back in Arizona. The wife asked, “Did you remember to pay the final installment on the Chevrolet before we came away?” “No, honey, I clean forgot. Sorry.” ”Did you remember to pay the electric bill before we left home?” “No, I completely forgot. Sorry.” ”Did you remember to pay the gas bill?” ”Do you know, that slipped my mind, too. Sorry.” “And did you remember to pay the six-monthly tax bill?” ”I knew there was something important I had to do. I’m really sorry honey.” ”Well, at least there’s one good thing,” sighed the wife. “What’s that?” ”They’ll find us.”

Two neighbors living in New York’s stockbroker belt were discussing how they had made their respective fortunes. One said, “When I came here from Mexico three years ago, all I had was the boots on my feet and a sack on my back. Look at me now: a $10 million house, a $3 million penthouse apartment, three classic cars worth $1 million each, a yacht worth $3 million, and $5 million in the bank.” “That’s amazing,” said his neighbor. “Tell me, what was in the sack?” “Twenty-four million dollars.”

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were debating whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said: “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Similarly when I get good cards, the dealer isn’t responsible. So why should I tip him?” The dealer countered: “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?” “Er, yes.” “Well, he serves you food, and I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.” “Fair enough,” said the player, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an eight...”

Harry was a compulsive gambler who would bet on anything — cards, horses, roulette, dogs, football, baseball, dice, basketball. One day after a run of bad luck, he said to his best friend, “Buddy, I hate asking you this, but I need $3,000 urgently. We’ve got no food in the house, I owe three months rent, the kids need new clothes, and my wife is too ashamed to go out because we have bad checks at every store in town. Is there any way you can help me out?” The friend thought for a moment before writing Harry a check for $4,000 so that he could get back on his feet. “But, there’s one condition,” he said. “I don’t want you use the money for gambling.” “No worries,” said Harry. “I’ve got money put aside for that.”

Tim: Down at the bus stop, everyone is hunting for a few quarters someone dropped? Tom: I suppose you were looking around too. Tim: No, I was just standing there with my foot on the quarters.

Two friends are chatting... "I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish." "What is your wish?" "That somebody would give me two million dollars."

Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear." "What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked. Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away.'"

Why do Pirate's bury treasure? Because banks won't deal with people who are better at stealing than they are.

They really should stock ATM’s better. I went to 5 different ones today and they all said insufficient funds.

A young miss was pacing through her living room waiting for her new beau to arrive. Just then a young man driving a brand new red Corvette was parking in front of the house. The girl's father glanced out the window at the same time. His chin dropped two feet and his pupils doubled in size. He turned to his daughter and asked, "What does your boyfriend do?" She replied, "He inherits."

Debt will stay with you if you can't BUDGE-IT!

Two accountants go to their credit union on their lunch break, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line-up the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" Number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."