Jokes

Money can buy a house, but not a home. Money can buy a bed, but not sleep. Money can buy a clock, but not time. Money can buy a book, but not knowledge. Money can buy food, but not an appetite. Money can buy position, but not respect. Money can buy blood, but not life. Money can buy insurance, but not safety. You see, money is not everything! Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

What did the quarter say to the penny? You don’t make much cents.

Why did the bank manager quit his job? Because he lost interest.

Mother: "Why did you swallow the money I gave you?" Son: "Well, you said that the money was for lunch!"

Miser to son: "Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?" Son: "Dad, it was only $25.00." Dad: "Oh, that’s not too bad." Son: "It would've been more, but that was all the money she had on her."

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”

My wife opened her first checking account and went out purchasing things for the house. After a couple weeks the bank called her and told her she was out of funds. In total shock, my wife exclaimed, "How can I be out of money when I've got all these checks left?"

During a visit to our friend’s home in Canada, we were welcomed with a wonderful breakfast. But my six-year-old daughter was not impressed. "Your pancakes are smaller than my mom’s," she told him. He replied, "That’s because of the exchange rate."

After he lost a lot of money at a blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience... a whole lot of patience."

People are funny... They spend money they don't have... To buy things they don't need... In order to impress people they don't like!

I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I requested because my income wasn’t substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.

If your name is on the building, you’re rich... If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class... If your name is on your shirt, you’re neither of the first two!

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket." After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside. Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there." "I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

We were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, "I’ll have the #24." "Uh, Jim," I whispered, "that’s the price, not the meal number." "Oh," he said. "Then give me the #12."

One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!" Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel. The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened. "Thank you!" the mother cried. "Tell me, are you a doctor?" "No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

Freelance newspaper writers don’t get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks. "Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of newspapers!"

My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem. After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband’s fees, he left the office with a prudent, "Thank you, sir, but I believe I’ll just pray this one through."

Pulling into my service station 45 minutes late one morning, I shouted to the customers, "I’ll turn the pumps on right away!" What I didn’t know was that the night crew had left them on all night. By the time I got to the office, most of the cars had filled up and driven off. Only one customer stayed to pay. My heart sank. Then the customer pulled a wad of cash from his pocket and handed it to me. "We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you’d get here sooner or later."

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

A man was standing in a line at a bank to withdraw cash. After an hour his turn came and he gave his bank details to the cashier. The cashier said, "I am sorry, sir. There's no cash." Fuming with anger, the man rushed to the manager's room and yelled at him. "You are a big bank and you don't have cash? Close my account!" he demanded. The manager pacified the man and rushed to the cashier. Minutes later he returned and the man asked, "Did you bring my cash or you are still running out of it?" The manager replied, "Sir, we have enough cash. Unfortunately, your account does not."

A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit. Teller: "Sorry sir. This $100 bill is a fake one. We cannot accept it." Customer: "What's the big deal? I'm depositing it into my account, right?"

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children. "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here..." The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

I went to my bank's ATM to check my balance... It printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles.

Humpty: I want to paint my bicycle but i don't have money to buy the paint! Dumpty: Once when i needed money i sold my watch. Why don't you sell your watch and get the money? Humpty: No, not my watch! It belonged to my grandfather. But you have given me an idea. The Next Day... Humpty: I got the paint! Dumpty: Then why are you looking so unhappy? Don't tell me you sold your watch! Humpty: No, not the watch. Dumpty: Then what did you sell? Humpty: The bicycle!

Bob: "Do you think change is hard?" Ray: "I sure do! Have you ever tried to bend a quarter?"

What's the difference between an old dime and a new nickel? Five cents.

Joe and I were in the Men's Room when Joe happened to notice a dime at the bottom of one of the toilets. He promptly took out a silver dollar and tossed it into the same toilet, then reached in and fetched both coins. "Why on earth did you do that?" I asked him. Joe drawled,"I ain't stickin' my hand in the toilet for no dime!"

Ever been so broke, that you dropped your wallet or purse on purpose... Just to see the look of disappointment on the face of the person who finds it?

Mom always said, "Money Doesn't Grow On Trees!" But if money is made from paper and paper comes from trees, then isn't she wrong?

I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money... I sent them my pay stub... Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.