Jokes

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Simple, there was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 'Put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"

I went to pick up my car at the auto repair shop. The mechanic said to me, "I could not repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

A married couple were vacationing in Hawaii and disagreed on the correct pronunciation of the state name. He said it was Hawaii and his wife said it was Havaii. They stopped a man on the street to ask his opinion. He said the correct pronunciation was Havaii. The man's wife was delighted and thanked the man. The man said, "You're velcome."

I found my girlfriends debit card in the freezer today, I guess you can say her accounts were frozen.

"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe "Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia "Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss "Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum "Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover "How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner "Winning Big".....by Jack Potts "Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech "I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight

An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot. "Lord," he prayed, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday." Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, "Never mind, I found one."

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

What do ninjas and farts have in common? They're silent and deadly.

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

The head of the British division of Publishers Clearing House (the organization that shocks people at their door with a huge check) was recently knighted by the Queen of England. What was the newly knighted name of this fellow? Sir Prize!

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, “The stereo is broke.” He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard. A note was left by the thief saying, “We’ll fix it.”

Nate walked along a highway in Nevada shouting that, "the end of the world will come soon!" As he got closer to the city he came upon a large lever in the middle of the road with a sign that said "Pull lever and the world will end!". He just knew this would be great place to preach his message. Sure enough, the traffic stopped both ways as people were forced to stop and listen. A large truck came over the hill and, due to poor brakes, had to decide whether to hit the lever or hit Nate. He chose Nate as it would only be the end of one person as opposed to the end the world. The truck driver was unhurt but in deep despair over the the choice he had to make. A police officer tried to console him by saying, "Look at it this way, it was better Nate than Lever."

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself. Halogen Light - A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Cell Phone - The handyman's 911. Chain Saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

What Is the definition of Fable? A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

What do you see when the smog clears in California? U.C.L.A.

I told my kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out my wine.

As a trucker stops at a red light, a young lady catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, she says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the girl gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the young lady's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, "First, give me a bottomless mug of beer." A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, "And what about your other two wishes?" The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Give me two more just like this one!"

Tom & Jane just got married and moved into an apartment in New York City filling it with all of the precious items they received as wedding gifts. One day, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line written on the envelope: "Guess who sent them." Jacob and Mindy assumed that it was a belated wedding present and while they enjoyed the show immensely, they spent the whole evening trying to figure out who the tickets were from. On their return home from the show, Jacob and Mindy were met with a disastrous sight: their apartment had been stripped of every one of their wedding presents, every article of value in the apartment. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written a note on an envelope: "Now you know!"

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He took a breath and then continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions. "Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic. "No," John whispered. "I quit." "That's good. When did you quit?" "Around 9:30 this morning."

What do you call it when Superman skips church? A Christian Bale.

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way. He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage." I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

If you walk by a pond and hear someone shouting, "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!", you better spring into action... He could have a lisp.

A young woman, who isn't too bright, goes to an office for a job interview. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" She counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying, "Umm... 23". The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And eh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The girl bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Barbara". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss, we can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Oh that!" replies the girl, "I was just running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

A family known for being extremely frugal was blessed with twin girls. Around three months a neighbor suggested that they have their pictures taken. The father thought this was a good ideal and the next time he saw the neighbor he showed him a photograph. "This is a fine picture" said the neighbor. "But this is a picture of one of the girls. Where is the other one?" "Well," said the father, "when we got to the photographer's, the good wife and I decided that since the twins look exactly alike, one picture would do for both of them."

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist." "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal!” “Sir,” he said calmly, “if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you’d be staying in this type of hotel.”

Him: "Since Mr. Wilson has lost his money, half his friends don't know him anymore." Her: "And the other half?" Him: "They don't know yet that he's lost his money."