Jokes

One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?" "4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers. Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it." A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Always be yourself... Unless you can be a pirate... in which case, DEFINITELY be a pirate!

Things that always tell the truth: Small Children... Drunks... Yoga Pants!

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said: "IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."

A man arrived at work one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of his co-workers noticed the sparkler and asked about it. The man explained, “My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!"

A man and his wife were driving their recreational vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure out how to pronounce it: KISS-a-me? kiss-a-ME? kiss-A-me? They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since there were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the person at the register, "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that we can understand?" The cashier looked at him and said, "Buuuurrr gerrrrrrrr Kiiiinnnng."

Did you hear about the new garlic diet? You don't actually lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma... All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC!

A young lady stops at the gas station to fill up and realizes she has locked her keys inside the car. When going inside to pay, she asks for a hanger to unlock her car. After a few minutes the attendant comes to help. The not so bright lady is moving the hanger, while inside the car is her not so bright friend giving directions. "RIGHT, NOW LEFT, JUST A LITTLE MORE RIGHT..."

Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest. One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow." The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything." The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? Spare ribs. Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day? It's good for the bones. Why don't skeletons like parties? They have no body to dance with.

I thought the dryer shrank my clothes... Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Dear Winter, I'm breaking up with you. I think it is time I start seeing other seasons. Besides, Summer is much HOTTER than you!

A middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only six month's to live because of a terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

A burglar broke into the home of a good Quaker gentleman. From upstairs, the Quaker heard the noises below and realized there was an intruder. He took his hunting rifle to the top of the stairs and announced: "Friend, I mean to do thee no harm, but where thou standest is where I am about to shoot."

Cars and People are alike... Some go Forward, some go in Reverse, and some just go around in circles.

My house is not messy... I have just set up obstacles for any burglar that might want to test their luck.

The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with less attractive people, they have less to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkenness" You can't fall off the floor.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV to one of nine channels.

Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls... John: "What happened this time?" Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?" John: "Where are you?" Jill: "I'm in the drugstore." John: "And where's the car?" Jill: "It's in here with me."

Somebody has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world... There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!"... And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412. The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618. "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan. The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

What do you call a snowman in Florida? Water.

I have determined that there are two important lessons in life... I can't remember the first, BUT THE SECOND is to write everything down!

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click. "Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits... and this one's even better because it locks!"

What would you call something that cleans vacuums? "Vacuum Cleaner" is already taken.