Jokes

Did you hear about the crossword puzzle maker died? He was buried 6 down and 3 across.

A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires. "No catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?" "I was born here."

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One January night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "What did they say?" I asked. "Well," he muttered, "for the past 30 years they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Signs are not always what they seem... IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

When I am told, "You'll regret that in the morning", I don't let it bother me. Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.

Two zombies were discussing how they were going to go out and satisfy their appetites. "I think we need to be a little more authoritative and menacing," Zac said. "These potential victims seem to be taking us for granted." "I don't know about that," replied Hal. "I think a subdued, common sense approach is the better way to go. That way they're more likely to let their guard down." "I've listened to you take the polite approach when you get the urge to munch on gray matter," countered Zac. "I don't think that gets the job done." "How so?" "Well, for one thing, you DON'T ask your victim, 'Can I pick your brain?'"

The 65th annual Miss Universe was on the other night... Funny thing is for the 65th year in a row, the winner was from Earth.

A man calls a refrigerator repair service. "My refrigerator isn't working." "What kind is it?" "It's a small one." "Electric, gas or propane?" "Propane." "Ah! Then the problem is most likely vapor lock. You don't need a service call, just turn the refrigerator upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear. Then put it back and all should be well." Second call, a few minutes later. "The least you could have done is to tell me to empty the fridge first!"

Some vacationers at their campsite were cooking fish over an open fire when a storm suddenly moved in. Before the campers could run for cover, a burst of lightning came down and struck a skillet that was resting on the coals in front of them. That's what you call a flash in the pan!

A guy wins a big jackpot on a slot machine in Vegas. As it is paying out of the machine, but before the pit boss reaches the lucky winner, a haggard man approaches him and says, "I don't mean to disturb you during your big moment, but my wife is sick and needs an operation. Could you see your way clear to giving me $5,000 of your winnings?" The guy says, "Well, it's all well and good for you to say that, and if it's true I sympathize, but how do I know you're not going to turn around and just gamble it away?" The haggard man responds, "Oh, I got gambling money."

Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car's engine suddenly turned off. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa tried to get the car to start up again. Finally she gets out and approaches the guy behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be so kind and try if you can get it fixed for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

Please, always be alert and watch out for the people around you. Yesterday, when I was on a sidewalk making my way home, a man came to me and drew scissors. I was panicked so I immediately responded with a rock. Imagine if I was not alert, I might have accidentally answered with paper and lost the game.

What is Experience? The name people give to their mistakes.

Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar... I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years." The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time." "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud." "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

I have to admit, I am a pretty smart guy. I know all the right answers! Unfortunately, everyone asks me all the wrong questions.

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves." As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "The man says it makes a funny noise."

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary, "Pete died. Boat for sale."

This year I made my New Years Resolution to finish everything I sta...

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer. "How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"

A mime was arrested and put into an invisible cell at the police station. They figured if he can't get out of an invisible box on a stage, an invisible prison cell would be twice as difficult.

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. "Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

Two friends were going on a road trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid close attention to the road signs along the way. They'd driven 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead". Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

I took to heart my doctors suggestion to get more exercise... Only problem was I thought he said, "EXTRA FRIES!"

I think I'm going to officially change my name to "Next"... That way, I flash my ID, shout 'Excuse me, I'm Next' and I'll be able to go right to the front of the line.

A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?" The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, "The third one was ME!" The man went home to his wife and said to her, "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?" His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?" The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. One bird flies over and the other one swims through the puddle. Which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because, "da oily boid gets da woim."

Last year i was approved to join a location procrastination club... We have not met yet.

There are different types of country dancing.... square, round and line. No one ever told me you need a year of geometry before you can learn to dance!