Jokes

There are two types of people in this world... Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...

Sign on a door: "Push. If that doesn't work, Pull. If that doesn’t work, we’re closed."

Q: What is blue and smells just like white paint? A: Blue paint!

I WONDER where I left my keys? I WONDER where I put my phone? I WONDER where I put my money? I WONDER ......................................?

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough! What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Me: "I wanna travel!" My bank account: "Like... to the backyard, you mean?"

What do all the people that spell U in place of YOU do with all that spare time?

Q: What did the spoiled rich girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming... I finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention, “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?!?!” “What does he look like?” asks a cowboy. “Well,” replies the Sheriff, “he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper vest, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” “So, what is he wanted for?” asks another cowboy. “Rustlin!” replies the Sheriff.

I ran away from the hospital, it was time to go. My friend asked me, "Why did you run away from the hospital, right before the surgery?" "I was scared," I replied. "Why?" "The nurse kept saying, 'Don't worry, be courageous, it is only a small operation, nothing will happen, it will take hardly 30 minutes, and so on." "The nurse was right, she was encouraging you, that's all," replied my friend. "Nonsense!" I began, "She was not talking to me, she was talking to the doctor!"

I have decided that I am going to stay a virgin throughout my life... That way I can set an example for my kids.

There were two young men from the South who loved to fish and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the young man left. In about an hour, he was back. “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing out there?” “Not very well at all,” he said. “We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet."

A not-so-smart lady called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Los Angeles to New York? The busy agent replied, "Just a moment." The not-so-smart lady replied, "Thank you," and then hung up.

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card. "What will you do with it?" my wife asked. "We burn it," was the answer. "Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife. "Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

My next door neighbor is originally from Canada. This past February we had what we call here in Oklahoma a blizzard. I was discussing the 'blizzard' with my neighbor and ask how this compared to Canada. His reply, "We call this July."

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. “Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.” “Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 am jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what “runner’s euphoria” was. “Runner’s euphoria,” he explained, “is what I feel at 5:30 am on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays.”

The Doctor, after examining the lady who had been brought into the EMERGENCY ROOM, said to the husband: "I'm afraid your wife is not looking well." The husband replied, "I agree with you Doc, but she is a good cook and is great with the kids."

A woman walked into my father's carpet store. She'd just moved out of her parents' home and needed something for her new living room. "Do you know how big the room is?" my father asked her. "Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide... and I wear a size 8."

Did you hear the joke about the roof? Ah forget it, it's over your head!

A genie came to me and asked, "What's your first wish?" I answered, "I wish I was rich!" Then the genie said, "What's your second wish, Rich?"

Who shouted,"Coming Are British The! Coming Are British The!"? Paul Reverse.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic? Sanka. What kind of lettuce did they serve with their salads on the Titanic? Iceberg.

Did you know that "dammit i'm mad" spelled backwards is "dammit I'm mad"?

A young man, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The young man walked up to the Chinese man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit. I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions. Instructions read: "Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children."

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she said, "who is eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads. The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get a great deal." The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy." The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"

What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!