Jokes

Christopher Columbus had Attention-Deficient Disorder. Think about it... When he left he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. When he got back he didn't know where he'd been.

What do you call a hipster with one leg? A "Hopster"!

After my divorce at age 40, my boss, a 70 year old business owner, approached me to find out how things were going with me and my ex. I told him it was unexpected and now that I'm going through this, I'm finding out that my brother is also getting divorced, my neighbors are getting divorced, another coworker is also getting divorced. I said, "I don't know what's going on!" He told me with a straight face, "You guys are all doing okay getting divorced. The people I know are dying."

Joe and Sue were listening to the Minneapolis weather report at breakfast. The announcer said, "There will be three to five inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." Joe got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car. Two days later they heard another radio report, "There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park on the even-numbered side of the street." Joe grumbled and went out to move their car. Three days later the weatherman announced, "There will be two to twelve inches of snow today and you must park..." Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions. "Great," said Joe. "What are we supposed to do now?" "Aw, Joe" Sue replied, "just leave the car in the garage."

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach... At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

I was standing in line in a bank one day when a teenager called out in a loud voice, "Did anyone lose a big wad of bills with a rubber band around it?" Two men and a woman quickly called out, "I did!" The teenager responded saying, "Well I found the rubber band!"

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Jane laughs at a joke once when you tell it. Fred laughs at a joke twice. Once when you tell it and once with you explain it to him. Susie laughs at a joke three times. Once when you tell it, once when you explain it to her, and once when she understands it. Mark laughs at a joke twice. Once when you tell it and once when you explain it to him. He never understands it. Will laughs at a joke once when you tell it. There's no use trying to explain it to him.

John: "Can you loan me a hundred dollars?" Fred: "I don't have that much on me." John: "Well, just give me what you have and you can owe me the rest."

Bruce lee had a vegetarian brother... Know what his name was? Brocco-Lee!

While driving a truck I once had to make a delivery to Death Valley, California. When I arrived it was 128 degrees Fahrenheit. After just a few minutes I was so miserable I was afraid I was going to die. After a couple hours, it was still 128 degrees, but I was so miserable that I was afraid I wasn't going to die.

When author John Milton got married he wrote "Paradise Lost". After the marriage ended.... he wrote "Paradise Found".

Customer: Waiter, Do you have any Wild Duck? Waiter: No, but I can get a tame one and irritate it for you?

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass!"

Someone came up to me on the street yesterday and ask if i had an extra cigarette. I said, "No, I don't. My pack only came with twenty."

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE." "We're all out of red, so I used pink." "There are two O's in Bob, right?" "I hate it when I get the hiccups." "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here." "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

Q: What do you get when you mix vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia? A: A Philips Screwdriver.

Broken puppets for sale.... No strings attached.

What did the Head Tooth Fairy yell at the cadet who flunked out of Tooth Fairy academy? You can't HANDLE the Tooth!

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your 'X' and wondered 'Y'?

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?" The fellow says, "Sand!" The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border. Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated... "What have you there?" "Sand" "We want to examine." Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again. Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything, but what were you smuggling?" The fellow says, "Bicycles."

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly. Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning? Candidate: Missing the bus!

It’s always scary when a computer turns into a zombie... It has many mega-bites!

Why did the Lone Ranger have his bullets made in Cincinnati? He wanted Ohio silver.

Did you hear about the inchworm that got upset? He had to turn metric.

Sometimes when I'm depressed, I get a pregnancy test... Just so I can say, 'Well, at least I'm not pregnant."

Q; What are the first 3 words the Giant said to Jack? A: Fee-Fye-Fo Q: What are the first 4 words the Giant said to Jack? A: Fee-Fye-Fo-Fum Q: What are the answers to both questions, combined? A: Fee-Fye-Fo-Fee-Fye-Fo-Fum Q: What do you have? A: Mike Tyson's telephone number

I finally got my head together! But now my body is falling apart.

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive. "If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion." Without hesitating, he replied, "From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me."