Jokes

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk, you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him. The year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"

Mr. Bolton was proud of his lawn and gardens, but the sidewalk bothered him. Some of the tiles were stained, some showed different levels of wear and some just looked old. He had a brilliant idea, "Why not paint the sidewalk?" So he went to the local hardware store and found a cement paint that was labelled light grey. He rushed home, got out a paint roller, and in a short time he had the walk completely painted. When it dried, it was beautiful and bright and looked brand new. He deemed the project a success, but it does have one draw back. Visitors and the mail man now walk on his lawn so as not to stain the sidewalk.

You know its going to be a bad day if: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. Your car horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck while you’re following a group of Hell’s angels. You see a ’60 minutes’ team waiting in your office The boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. Your blind date turns out to be your wife. Your twin forgot your birthday. Your Income Tax check bounces.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun... But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

Two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of the dads gives them both a bit of advice. "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too!" adds the other.

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!” The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

I saw a driver texting and driving... It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

Preparing for a yard sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good. Shortly after the sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar. "This is a great deal," he said excitedly. "It still has the plastic on it." Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame.

I loaned $10,000 to my (former) best friend to get plastic surgery. I haven't heard from him in nine months, and now I don't know what he looks like.

What did the number Zero say to the number Eight? NICE BELT!

There are two girls in a car driving down a steep hill. All of a sudden the driver realizes that the brakes are not working. She tells the passenger that the brakes don't work and they will soon drive off the side of the cliff, as she can't stop at all. The passenger then replies, "Don't worry! There's a stop sign ahead."

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job, but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the Darkside...

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice. The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!" The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman." He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

What type of person finds it humorous to shower while wearing a raincoat? Apparently someone with a dry sense of humor!

An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a "Thanks for riding Royal Airlines." But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk behind off the merry-go-round!

I was called a "nobody" today... Then I thought, nobody is perfect... Therefore, I must be perfect!

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."

I've started a new exercise program. I do twenty sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times...

A family from the country hills was visiting the big city for the first time. They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked. "I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied. Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out. The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine." And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling." At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" Okay, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No, sorry, I'm a little busy right now!' Then I hear the guy say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

You know you are lost and in a bad neighborhood when your GPS starts whispering directions.

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack. "That must be expensive," Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him. "$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know. That's his problem."

"What kind of car did you just get?" "I already forgot, you know me, I am bad with names. But is starts with 'T'!" "Really? Wow, what a strange car... starts with 'T'... All cars that I know start with petrol."

Jim was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked. "I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another." At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make. It worked. About a week later she came in the house with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. "Oh, Gladys," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!" "Never mind, dear," said auntie. "I've got a spare one in the trunk."

I went on a job interview the other day. I wasn't really qualified but I decided to apply anyway. A week later, I became very excited when I was called in for an interview. At the interview, the prospective employer asked a few questions then read through my resume. After a few anxious moments, as I sat in silence waiting for him to finish reading, he put down my resume. He looked up at me and said, "We have an opening for someone like you." "Really?" I replied excitedly. "What is it?" "It's called the door."

This old woman would never drink beer.The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door. "What do you want, Sonny?" she demanded. "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked. "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady. "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply. "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

Funny Bumper Stickers: If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal! HANG UP AND DRIVE! Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It! Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again? This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway Honk If Anything Falls Off I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere