Jokes

Two men were strolling past a church when one commented to his friend, "Aren't the church bells lovely?" The friend said he didn't make out what was said so the first man repeated, "Aren't those chimes beautiful?" Again, his friend exclaimed he couldn't make out what was said so the first man repeated louder, "The bells, the bells, aren't they beautiful!" The second man looked at him and said, "Sorry, I can't make out what you're saying because of those lousy bells!"

Why did the diet coach send her new client to the paint store? She knew you could get thinner there!

A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?" A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about two and a half inches of that."

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - Bicycles, Washing Machines, etc... Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain!

Four young ladies are ordering a few rounds of drinks. Each time they get up, they toast and say, "14 weeks!", then they down their drinks. The bartender finally asks the ladies, "What's the deal?" One says, "Well, we bought a boxed puzzle. It said 'two to six years,' and we did it in 14 weeks!"

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked, "Hey Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool.! But how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either." she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Do you ever wonder... Does killing time damage eternity?

Ever wonder... Do witches use spell check?

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said, "What?"

Did you hear about the Canadian man who had a map of Canada tattooed to his butt? Every time he sat down, Quebec separated.

"My photographs don't do me any justice." "How so?" "They just look like me."

Why did the skeleton go to prom alone? Because he had no-body. =(

What do you call an Italian man with rubber toe? Rubertoe!

Q: There is a butcher at the butcher shop. He is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh? A: He weighs meat.

The joke reviewers on this site do a FANTASTIC job of reviewing jokes... They clearly have IMPECCABLE judgment... They are DEFINITELY NOT BIASED in any way, shape, or form!

A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next. After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor's house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, "Hi son, I'm your new neighbor." "Hi," the boy called back and waved. "Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?" she asked. With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, "Lady, how would I know? I'm only six years old!"

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat." Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Moshe said, "You, dope, stop watching our overcoats." "I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Does my house have everything your ad says it does?" The agent said, "It certainly does. Why do you ask?" Bill replied, "Cancel the sale. It's exactly what I'm looking for!"

The dumb girl drove to the shopping mall and found a parking spot which had a sign that read, "1 Hour Only," She wanted two hours to shop, so she parked across two spaces.

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually, a sports car pulled up, and two teens got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off laughing.

2014: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds. 2015: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds. 2016: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2017: I will work out 3 days a week. 2018: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to wear loose fitting clothing to the class. "Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

I got angry with the mime that lived next door to me. To get even I played a blank CD over and over. That drove him crazy.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

How does one leave a casino with a million dollars? By entering the casino with a billion dollars!

They announced that in Minnesota they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out to be just a field of carrots.

What do you call a number of mechanics? A clutch!