Jokes

What is the definition of adult? ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity. He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning. He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says, "Then why did you step in it?"

Did you hear what happened to the Indian as he drank glass after glass of tea in his tent? He got soaked in his teepee!

A funny magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?" The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

What did one Zulu warrior say the another Zulu warrior? "I can't place the face, but your nose has a familiar ring to it..."

Would you go someone's funeral if they didn't come to yours???

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear... Is sphere itself.

Did you hear there's a new Prozac virus out? It screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First one says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.” Second one says, “What the heck, a talking muffin!”

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. I asked the keeper, “How did that toast get into the cage?" "It was bread in captivity,” she replied.

Life is like a Rubik's cube... Easy to mess up, hard to solve.

How much does it cost a Pirate to get his ears pierced? A bucc-an-eer!

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim. Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

While watching the weather update early one evening in the middle of January, the forecast was for partly cloudy the rest of the day and through the night. Upon getting up and looking out the window the next morning, the man calls the station. He then asks if they can send someone out to plow the 18 inches of "partly cloudy" out of his driveway.

I don't trust acupuncturists... They're backstabbers!

John: "When I was taking psychology classes in college, they taught us that the first sign that someone is going insane is that they grow hair on their knuckles." Fred: (While looking at his knuckles) "Really? I didn't know that." John: "Yes. And do you know what the second sign is?" Fred: "No. What?" John: "Looking for it."

At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99." The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone. "Boat number 66!" he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.” • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

My house had been burglarized and the police were taking a report. The policeman asked me, "Have you lived here all your life?" I replied, "Hopefully, not yet!"

What is a pessimist? A pessimist is a person who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

Sally: What is the greatest labor saving device known to man? Wilma: I don't know. Sally: Tomorrow. Wilma: Tomorrow? Sally: As in 'I will do it tomorrow.'

What does a vegan zombie eat? Grrrraaaaaiiiinnns!

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?" He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"

The city has closed a road to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend. So a lot of drivers go to see if the road is really closed and then have to turn in the narrow road. Their embarrassment is made worse by the back of the "ROAD CLOSED" sign. The back of the sign reads: "TOLD YOU SO!"

John and Fred were arguing over something Fred had done. John finally said, "If you do it again, I'll slap you upside of the head so hard it'll make your teeth rattle!" Fred replied, "You do and it'll be the last time you do!" John responded, "If I do, it'll be the last time I have to!"

John: How's your new alarm clock working out? Fred: It didn't work out at all. It gave me so much trouble I returned it to the store. John: Really! What was wrong with it? Fred: It kept waking me up every morning.

Handy Guide For Using A Dictionary 1. For your convenience, all words have been placed in alphabetical order. So merely open book to page where the word you wish to look up should be. 2. If you don't know how to spell the word you wish to look up, look up a synonym and hope the definition contains the word you wish to look up. 3. If you don't know what a synonym is, look up the word "synonym," since we just showed you how to spell that one. 4. Now, repeat Step 2 before repeating Step 1. 5. If the word you originally wished to look up is found to mean something entirely different than you thought it did, then your problem is insuperable. 6. Look up "insuperable."

Fred: "Do you think I have any brains at all?" John: "Well, how can I put this nicely, I can describe it best like this... If they were to take your brain, roll it into a little ball and roll it down the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane freeway."