Jokes

I tried to be fourth coming but, I came in third… It was because they had second rated Judges in the first place…

You can't run through a campground... You can only 'ran', because it's past tents.

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics. Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?" "That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire. They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in. Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny shouts, “These darn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail... I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality.

Tax collector: "It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile." Taxpayer (grinning widely): "Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!"

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And then you find somebody whose life has given them vodka!

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?" "I don't know," replied Miriam, "all of our records were lost in the flood."

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. She said, "I know I had my cell phone with me, but now I can't find it!" I replied, "Aren't you talking on it?" There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in, followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

Shirts get dirty, underwear gets dirty, socks get dirty, but PANTS? PANTS never get dirty and you can wear them forever!

What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? "Try Sara's Tops!"

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck... But through hard work, time and perseverance... I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!

The old definition of a split second is the time between the light turning green and when the driver behind you honks their horn. The new definition of a split second is the time between when the commercial starts and your spouse says, "You have the remote!"

A businessman is walking along the street dragging one foot, and he bumps into another guy also dragging a foot. "What happened to you?" asked the business man. "Iraq, 2003. What about you?" asks the other guy. "Dog poop, two blocks back."

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER.

Patty, the bank teller, was having a bad day with nasty and rude customers. A nicely dressed young man came up to her window and with a smile showed her a note. "Please give me all your money... I thank you for your time and help!" After emptying her drawer into a bag, she added a chocolate bar left from her lunch. "What's that for?" he asked. "That's because you were the most polite person I've had all day," she answered.

The government put out notices for contractors to bid for a small job they needed done. The first bid was for $750.00. The second bid was for $375.00. The third bid was for $2,375.00. Stunned at the high price of the third bid the government agent called the contractor and asked how his bid could be so high. "It's easy," the contractor said, "$1,000 is for me, $1,000 is for you for you, and then we hire the guy for $375 to do it."

I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug". Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter. The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.

People who take high blood pressure medication are doing the right thing... They are putting the heart before the hearse!

Walking thru the mall past the vision center, I told my wife, "Ignore the store to your left, it's not really there... it's an optical illusion."

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak. The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure." "You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue." "Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Palmist to Man: "By looking at the lines in your palm, someone very near to you is going to get disappointed." Man: "Wow, you are good! For you will be disappointed to know that I forgot my wallet in the house."

What did one fly say to the other? Time to call the SWAT TEAM!

Little Emily was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?" Her mother asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one."

A local priest was visiting a widow for Sunday dinner. Afterwards, she was doing the dishes and he was looking around and noticed a parrot in a cage. The lady noticed and said, "Reach into the cage, father, and pull his left leg." Well, he did and the parrot recited the Our Father. "Pull his right leg," she said. He did and the parrot recited the Hail Mary. Well, the priest thought this was amazing. Then he said out loud, "I wonder what would happen if I pulled both legs and the same time?" The parrot said, "What do you think will happen, I'll fall flat on my butt!"

A woman had been selling waterbeds for almost four years, and thought she had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked, "Can you deliver it filled with water?" Stunned, the woman replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!" After a short pause, the customer responded, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"

Sitting in the bar George asks his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" John replies, "I haven't found the right woman yet." "So what are you looking for?" "Oh, she's got to be real pretty, a good cook, and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality, and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either." "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!" says George. "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

A neighbor went to visit her friend Brenda and her 4 year old daughter Maggie. "What have you been doing today?" she asked. "Just a little housework," replied Brenda. "Are you too exhausted for my visit"? the neighbor replied. "No, not at all. I was just cleaning the inside of Maggie's dollhouse."

Carol and Patty were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"

I keep hearing on the radio that I can make big money flipping houses... But they never say how much I have to pay for the big spatula!