Jokes

"Hello..." "Hello?" "I am John with the C.I.A." "I know." "And how do you know that?" "You called a phone that has no SIM card, no battery, and it's broken."

The women's Olympic swimming champion... That's a girl worth wading for!

A little girl went to spend a few weeks with her grandmother, who decided to teach her to sew. After having gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, the granddaughter stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

How do bees get their hair so sticky? They use a honeycomb.

If con is the opposite of pro... Does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?" Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."

On a narrow mountain road a man saw a car driving uphill backwards. "Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?" "Because we are not sure if there's enough space to make a U-turn on top of the mountain." After one hour the same man saw the same car driving downhill backwards. "But guys, why are you driving backwards again?" "There was enough space to make a U-turn up there."

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung. The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''. If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD. If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON. So there you go.

There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Company was going to buy the Fuller Brush Company and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporate entity known as: "Hale Mary Fuller Grace."

What do you call a Volkswagen Beetle in which a poor person has to sleep? A "Bed Bug"!

A Police Officer was questioning a young man who's smart car got stuck between the concrete walls of a pedestrian stairway. When the police officer had asked him what he was thinking at that moment, his response was, "I was instructed by my Uber App to take a sharp left."

A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation. En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?" The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they cried. "I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

Two friends were at a bookstore perusing through the nonfiction section. Friend 1: "Oh my goodness, they have this book! It’s a really great book. I highly recommend it." Friend 2: "Really? What’s it about?" Friend 1: "Oh, about 357 pages."

One day two friends were talking when the conversation was getting serious. Friend 1: "So, tell me. How do you feel?" Friend 2: "Well, with my fingers."

Mr. Jones was sleeping soundly and was awakened by the phone ringing at 2am. He answered and the voice on the other end said, "This is your neighbor, Mr. Smith. Your dog's barking is keeping me awake, keep it quiet!" Then he hung up. At 3 o'clock, Mr. Jones called back Mr. Smith and said, "I don't have a dog." and he hung up.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

At three o'clock one morning, a veterinary surgeon was awoken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line. "That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m okay with that... After all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop." The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Once I went the extra mile... But there were many feet and yards involved!

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop." Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead." "And this is my pole," he said. My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain." And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in? “We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor. Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.” Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

Crazy Lumberjacks... They are always cutting loose on the job.

How does NASA organize a party? They planet!

It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was traveling along for the first time. As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger. John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there. He immediately slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet!" The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, before John drove off, leaving him alone at the side of the road. When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience. Just as he started to recount the whole story, she interrupted him, saying, "Oh, that reminds me, John. Do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"