Jokes

In my house, there is this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”

Heard on a London Bus: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Two sewing machines are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, aren't you a Singer?!" It turns and says, "Why? Ja-no-me?" And then the bartender said, "Oh Brother."

A man was lying in a hospital, covered in bandages from head to toe. The guy in the next bed said, ”What do you do for a living?” The bandaged man replied, “I used to be a window cleaner.” “Oh, when did you give that up?” “About halfway down.”

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough." "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly. "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband. "It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual thirty dollar's worth."

Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a woman? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the little man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof," said the little man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "And the clerk asked me, 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'" "What happened next?" the judge asked. "I punched him."

A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.” And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?” “Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.” “Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.” The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut. “Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber. “Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?” The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”

Two DIZZY type ladies were discussing the big hole in a street as every day somebody fall in it... Dizzy A : We must find a solution cause every day some one is dead and the nearest hospital 20 Km. Dizzy B : I got it, we build a new hospital beside the hole. Dizzy A : It will take 5 - 10 years to build a hospital. After that everybody will be dead. I got a great solution... we close that hole and open another one beside the nearest hospital!

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into the ex-President. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."

A man was determined to win the state lotto. He bought lotto tickets every week for years with no results. Then, one day in a flash of inspiration he realized that he would have to change his name in order to win the lotto. The next day he when to the courthouse and officially changed his name to 'Somebody'. Out of curiosity the clerk who was doing the paperwork asked why he had chosen 'Somebody' as his new name. "Well," he replied, "I wasn't having any luck with my old name, but everyone knows that eventually, Somebody always wins the lotto!"

One day a Stepford Wife entered an auto body shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car. The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out. The Stepford Wives went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when The Stepford Wife from across the street walked over and asked what she was doing? After hearing the whole story the second Stepford Wife pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down!"

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian... Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?" "Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

It was August and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.  Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.  But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"  "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.  So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.  A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"  "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very very cold winter."  The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could. The new chief every week or so calls the National Weather Service and receives the same answer. "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express lane where the clerk was talking on the phone with the back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it because it was prettier than most. The clerk said, "It's made in Germany." I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then." The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?" I said, "No, that's not it. I just never learned to write German."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says, "Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second one says, "Ha! You think that's fast! My dad's a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground." The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45."

Three lifelong buddies (one not so bright) were returning from a day of mountain biking in the Rocky Mountains. The not so bright buddy was in the back of the truck to better enjoy the mountains. Heading around a rather tight turn, the truck veers off the cliff and plummets into a lake just below. After just a few seconds, the two buddies in the truck cab break the surface with a gasp of air. To their horror, they realize their not so bright companion was still under water and they both immediately dove down to rescue him. They pulled him to the surface and after a coughing fit asked him why he hadn't swam to the surface. With an annoyed look on his face, the not so bright buddy says, “I couldn't get the tailgate open!”

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $10,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.  I thought, "Nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $15,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.  A Greyhound bus.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals. I said, "I work with animals every day." She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?" I replied, "I'm a butcher!" We never went on a second date.

A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5. One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

I once ate a dictionary... Never again, I ended up with thesaurus throat I've ever had!

An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real. The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."

You are so bald... that I can tell what's on your mind!

Harry was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. Since his own car was off the road being serviced. “Sure,” said Carmine, “I’ll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside.” As they’re driving along, Harry says, “Carmine, what’s that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?” “That’s my digital clock.” A few minutes later, Harry asks, “And what’s that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?” “That’s my tachometer,” says Carmine. Then a few minutes after that, Harry starts to ask, “But what’s that….” “Hold on a minute, Harry,” says Carmine, “I can see you’ve never been in a Rolls Royce before.” “Never in the front seat.” says Harry.

Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?" The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars." "That's not bad." "But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear." "Sounds like you should be grateful..." "You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million." Now the friend was really confused. "Then, why are you so sad?" "This week... nothing!