Jokes

During a recent meeting of the local Optimist Club, they challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.

A Latin man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can’t find what he’s looking for and he doesn’t know the English word for it. So he grabs a salesperson and says, “Tienes calcetines?” “I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” the salesperson says. The guy tries again. “Medias?” he asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section. “No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines,” he says. And so it goes for nearly 30 minutes. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section. The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, “Eso sí que es!” The salesperson’s jaw drops and he says, “Well, why didn’t you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"

A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capital was always 'Dublin'.

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes. Man: "I have two final wishes." Friend: "What are they?" Man: "First, I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land." Friend: "And second?" Man: "Second, I don't want to be cremated."

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." "Yes -- so what?" "Think about it," said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle -- how does it know?"

What do you get when you cross a banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip.

I don’t know who needs to hear this... But if your going through a rough time... Don’t cut your bangs!

The official glossary to running late... "On the way..." - Still in bed. "In the car..." - In the shower. "GPS says 35 min..." - Getting ready. "There's traffic..." - Leaving the house. "Parking now..." - 15 minutes out. "Can't find a spot..." - 5 minutes out. "Walking in..." - Looking for a spot.

One morning at a small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'?"

An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall. The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?" Bohr chuckled, "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it. "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

One day a man walked into a barbershop wearing headphones. ”Give me a trim,” he said to the barber, “but don’t take off my headphones off or I’ll die.” As the barber began to cut the man’s hair, he realized the headphones were in the way and took them off. A few moments later, the man slumped to the floor dead. Picking up the headphones, the barber put them to his ear and heard a voice saying, “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...”

A pirate walks into a pub on the mainland with an enormous rainbow feathered parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep stares at the rather intimidating bird until he finally gathers enough courage to ask the pirate about it. He points at the pirate and says, “Where did you get that?” “Pirate Bay,” the parrot answers, “the place is filled to the brim with ’em!”

There is never enough time to do it right the first time... But there is always enough time to do it over!

Two ladies are walking to their local County Fair, when it starts to rain. One says to the other, "Put your umbrella up, it's raining." "I can't," says the other, "it's got holes in it." "Holes in it?" the first lady asks. "Why did you bring it with you?" The response, "I didn't think it would rain."

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!" After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

"I am overjoyed ! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free. I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once. I am sooooo excited I can hardly get my ski mask on...."

A fellow was given a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF, out popped a genie! The genie said, "I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like." The guy thought for a minute and said, "I would like a billion dollars." "You shall have it," said the genie and he granted him the wish. "Anything else?" The guy thought for a while and said, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, an incredible radio, you know - and all the works!" "Your wish is my command," said the genie, making the dream car appear. "What is your last wish?" "Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day," answered the birthday boy. "OK, suit yourself," replied the genie. "I'll wait and listen, ready to answer." The happy guy got in his new car and drove off to show all his friends. As he turned on the radio, a familiar commercial came on and he began to sing along, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..."

I wanted to try online dating, so I clicked around until I saw someone I found attractive. We started chatting, and everything was going great, until she told me her career is "professional blood donor". That's when I knew she wasn't my type.

Q: Why do radio announcers have little hands? A: Wee paws for station identification.

What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge? "Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!"

Q: Why don’t prison wardens serve strawberries? A: They keep making the prisoners break out.

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind. He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean. "Well, this sucks," he thinks out loud. A second man floats by, also tied to a barrel. "Tell me about it," the second man replies. "This is worse than last year."

Genie: OK, I'm ready for your third wish. Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

Two best friends Emma and Catherine meet each other at a coffee shop and Emma reached quite late. Emma explained the reason of being late, "I bought a Volkswagen beetle last week and today it broke in the middle of the road. To my surprise, when I checked there is no engine under the hood. The engine lost somewhere in the way." Catherine said calmly, "Oh really, don't worry at all. I also own a Volkswagen Beetle and have a spare engine in the trunk of my car. You can have it."

I was just born. My father asks my mother, "Do you have a name in mind?" My mom replies, "No, uhh..." My dad interrupts, "Noah! Perfect name!" That's how I got the name Noah.

Two guys are standing on a rooftop. The first one looked down and asked, "Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?" Second one then also looked down and said, "Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least five days!" "Really? Okay, here's another one," continues the first. "Do you think if I would die after I jump?" "Of course you would, five days! How could you survive that long without water?!"

There was a captain of a ship who carried around a mysterious black box. Despite repeated questions from his crew, he refused to tell anyone what was inside the box. Years went by, and the mystery of the box grew and grew. It was all the crew could talk about. What was in that mysterious black box? One day a big storm quickly approached. The wind howled, and the ship was tossed on huge waves. Suddenly, a wave washed across the deck and swept the captain overboard. He disappeared from view and was never seen again. As soon as the storm passed, a sailor went to the captain's cabin and retrieved the box. The entire crew circled around as he opened it and removed the only contents, a small piece of paper. On the paper was written, "Starboard is right, port is left."