Jokes

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system... "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."

A man went into a bookstore and complained... “I bought this book from you yesterday, 'Cowards in History' and all the pages fell out!" The sales assistant said, “That’s because it has no spine.”

Pedro - "I am going to be in the hospital for another month or so." Carlos - "Oh no, pretty ill huh?" Pedro - "No, pretty nurse."

When your age and waist line intersect... That's a sign you have reached the first stage of old age!

I was mailing a letter at my local post office when I noticed my not so bright neighbor talking into an envelope. I ask her what she was doing? She replied, without missing a beat, "Sending voicemail... "

A group at a MENSA (IQ 150+) meeting were having lunch at a local restaurant when one noticed that the salt shaker was filled with pepper and the pepper shaker was filled with salt. After a lengthy discussion they determined that they could swap the contents to match the correct shakers. All they needed was a straw and an empty saucer. They called over their waitress (IQ much less than 150) and pointed out their concerns. Without hesitation she switched the lids, said "problem solved", and walked away from the now shocked and silenced Mensa table.

A good speech needs a good beginning and a good ending... ... and they should be as close together as possible.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Archilles' elbow...

If I had $1 every time someone over 40 told me my generation was the problem... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined!

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

A customer called his car-rental company and said he needed a tow. The driver named the highway where he was stranded, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. The representative asked for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door sedan". After a pause, the driver replied, "Well, it's the one on fire."

What do you do when you see Dracula? You hope he doesn’t see you!

Two women are talking in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one continues, "And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me." The second one replies, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one reveals, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me." The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" The first one apologizes, "Oh, I'm sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?" The second one responds, "Well, I've just completed a course on politeness." The first one asks, "A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?" The second one answers, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'"

Two aliens were strolling around a small town in the US when they had a sudden urge to taste some Earth food. Having no Earth currency, they decided to steal two chocolate bars from a shop. So they walked into the shop and when they thought the shopkeeper wasn’t looking, they slipped the chocolate bars into the pockets of their space suits and hurriedly left. But they had only gone a few yards when they heard the shopkeeper shout, “Hey! You haven’t paid for those!” They ran back to their mothership as fast as their alien legs would carry them and just managed to climb through the doors of the craft before the shopkeeper could catch them. In the sanctuary of the craft, one of the young aliens turned breathlessly to the other and said, “I don’t know how that shopkeeper saw us stealing.” “Me neither,” said the other. “He must have eyes in the front of his head.”

A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day. "Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks. The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier." The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?" She answers, "No, just up to the neck".

I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water... Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion? You get a really scared mailman!

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs... Blew my mind, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he was a barber!

What do you call a Magician without magic? Ian.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving the castle and called one of his squires. "Here is the key to my treasure chest. I will be gone for about a year and I want you to keep it safe until I return. Don't let anyone near my gold." The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes a look back at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

How do vampires start their letters? "Tomb it may concern..."

I wanted to donate blood today but they ask too many personal questions... Like, "Whose blood is it?" and "Where did you get it?"....

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre D, "but there are no tables available." "One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman." "I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening." "I bet if the President came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available." "Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for the President." "Good! I'll take it. He isn't coming!"

A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!" "Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost here for a week."

Since I seem to always be late it was suggested that I buy a watch... I haven't owned one for I don't know how long?

If snowmen can't ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride? Icicles!