Jokes

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?" "Yes," I replied. "Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” asks the despairing one. “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she was googling my name last night on her computer... I saw it clearly through my binoculars!

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present? Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "And that wasn't love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was obsession. Then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Was that love?" "No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was seasickness."

What do you call a game system with a tic tac stuck in it? Mint Condition!

What do you get when a stoner, Jedi and surgeon walk into a bar? Blunt Force Trauma.

A starving artist was discussing his recent painting for a local museum. "Was it hung?" "Yes, near the entrance where everyone could see it." "Congratulations! What was it?" "A board saying, 'Keep to the left'..."

Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes." Friend: "How?" Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."

A man waiting for a bus held his hands about four inches apart. He got on the bus l, and when the driver asked for his fare, the man told him to take the money out of his coat pocket. The driver did as he said and drove on. The man walked to the rear of the bus and sat down, still holding his hands in the same position. A woman passenger turned to him and asked, “Excuse me sir, are you alright?” “Yes I am, thank you,” he replied. “Then why are you holding your hands like that?” “Because I’m on my way to a hardware store and I need a piece of pipe this long.”

A pessimist and an optimist were on a hike and they came across railroad tracks at a tunnel. The Pessimist looked in and said, "I see a light and the train is coming." The Optimist looked and said, "Don't worry, we have time." The Engineer operating the train said, "Why are those morons still standing on the track?"

Its time for spring cleaning and I answered the doorbell and discovered a half-dozen vacuum cleaner salesmen who indicated they have appointments to demonstrate their products. I went to my wife who she to me, "Send them each to a different room!"

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped. "Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted. "I didn't stop," he said, wheezing, "I'm coasting."

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path!

I’ve been really depressed lately. A friend told me I should go to the petting zoo perhaps, to cheer up. I went today, but not one person would pet me.

A New Yorker noticed a guy in a cowboy hat and boots standing and staring at Niagara Falls. Figuring he must be a Texan he walks up beside him and says, "I bet you don't have anything like that in Texas do ya?" The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't. But, we have a plumber in Waxahachie that can fix it!"

Me: "I think I have a crush on Beyoncé..." Her: "Whatever floats your boat." Me: "No, that’s buoyancy."

The new Librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first student was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "The other librarian we had could write..."

As an maintenance man in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture that had static lines going through it and was very fuzzy. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck, I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture became clear returned to normal. "Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

A man went into a store and bought a self help audio book... It was called “How to Handle Disappointment”... It was empty.

Who invented high heels? It must have been a lady who was continually being kissed on the forehead...

Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? Mount Rushmore

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in. “My husband was home all day!” she fumed. After I gave her the package, she said, “Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

Two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray. "O Lord," he prayed, “I've broken most of thy commandments. I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise never again...” "Wait a minute, Jack,” said his friend. “Don't go too far, I think I see a sail!”

Sign in a gas station: 'Coke -- $0.49 or Two for a Dollar!'

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

Why was the = sign so humble? He knew that he wasn’t < or > than anyone else.

So many items are no longer made in America... I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”... I don’t even know where that is!

My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard. After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said. "I don't have one on me," Bev replied. The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. The manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?" Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson." "Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."