Jokes

First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller." Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week." First man: "Right, that's the one they're looking for."

Went to the gym and there's a new machine. I used it for an hour and felt sick. Its good though, it does everything. Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc...

From a store clerk: "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper." "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers." "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer." From my doctor: "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you." "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better." "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in." "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test." "Here, take these samples." "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that." "I recommend you get a second opinion."

Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?" Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down." Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?" Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks."

The farmers almanac has predicted a much colder winter than normal. I have been observing squirrels and they are collecting more nuts than normal. Which makes me wonder where my 3 cousins have disappeared to???

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.” “That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?” “Thirty-six."

A man goes on a business trip to Liverpool during the course of which he has to make a long journey by taxi. During the journey, the driver decides to break the monotony and says to the man, “Do you like riddles?” “Oh yes,” says the man, “I think so.” “OK,” says the taxi driver. “Try this one: ‘Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man’s father is my father’s son.’ Who is it?” The man tries to work out the puzzle but in the end says, “No. It’s no good. I can’t do it. Who is it?” “It’s me!” says the taxi driver. “Think about it!” “Oh yes!” says the man. “Very good!” The rest of the journey passed in silence. A few days later the man is back home again where he decides to try the riddle out on a friend. “Do you like riddles?” he asks his friend. “Oh yes!” says the friend. “Right!” says the man. “Try this one: ‘Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man’s father is my father’s son.’ Who is it?” The friend thinks and thinks and in the end says: “No. it’s no good. I can’t get it.” “Ha! It’s easy!” says the man. “It’s a taxi driver from Liverpool!”

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm giving you a hand," I said. "What are you doing?" "I'm stretching before my run."

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn. My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?" Woman: "Four." Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?" Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George." Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?" Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe!"

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.

A defector from another country moves in to an apartment in Chicago, and his new neighbor asks what his apartment back home was like. “Oh, it was perfect,” the defector says. “I could not complain.” “What about your job?” “Oh, my job was perfect. I could not complain.” “And the food?” “Oh, the food was perfect. I could not complain.” “So if everything was perfect in North Korea, why did you move?” The man says, “Here I can complain.”

It's the 10th anniversary of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his grave and place a small stone to show that he is remembered. She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery grounds where the records are kept. The grounds-keeper, after pouring over large maps and lists, finally turns to the widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum." "That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in my name..."

At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a baby!"

The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over. They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.

"You ought to be ashamed," the father told his lazy son. "When George Washington was your age, he had become a surveyor and a hard worker." "And when he was your age," the boy replied, "he was President of the United States!"

A man called up a bird store the other day and said, "Send me 30,000 cockroaches at once!" "What in heaven's name do you want with 30,000 cockroaches?" "Well," replied the householder, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises here in exactly the same condition in which I found them."

WCBS Newsradio880 anchor on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC Tuesday: "Someone said, 'The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper!'"

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?" "Yeah, we got robbed last night."

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good...

Two lazy-bones are fast asleep. A thief comes in, pulls the blanket from the bed, and makes off with it. One of them is aware of what happened and says to the other, "Get up! Go after the guy who stole our blanket!" The other responds, "Forget it. When he comes back to take the mattress, let's grab him then."

Sam: Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper? Bob: No... Sam: In that case, don't use our bathroom.

Why do we need a hot water heater? If it’s hot, it doesn’t need to be heated.

I'm always in the right place! Unfortunately it's always at the wrong time.

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie appears. “I have three wishes, so I’ll give one to each of you,” the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. “Alright,” he says, “I’ll have a big, juicy, piece of meat.” Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he’d ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. “I know! I’ll have a shower of meat!” Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. “I’ve got it!” he cries, “I want a MEATIER shower!

An electrician and a plumber were waiting in line for admission to the “International Home Show”. One of them was the father of the others son. How could this be possible? They were husband and wife.

A girl is doing a crossword puzzle... "What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?" "Isn't it obvious?" "It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

There once was a man from Pawtucket... Who kept all his cash in a bucket... His daughter, named Nan... Ran off with a man... And as for the bucket - Nantucket!