Jokes

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 1:00 pm and 4:00 pm.

After I warned the nurse taking blood that it would be very hard to find a vein on me, she said, "Don't worry. We've seen worse. Last year we had a girl come in to get a blood test for her marriage license and we had to stick her six times in four places before we got anything." "Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!"

We are 10 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in - but rules are rules.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'... It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine," I said. "Oh, good," she continued, "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"

One day, I saw a friend of mine crying over a bag of chips. I asked him what's wrong and he said that he was just following the instruction written on the bag of chips. "Tear here to open."

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who's there?!?!"

The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium. "And by the way, I’ve spent a lot of money at your store over the years," he said. "I think I should get a discount." "Only our owner can give a discount," I explained, "and he won’t be in until tomorrow." When the customer said that he’d come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with. "Sure," he said. "Where is your store located?"

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything. “Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he whispered, "I forgot my teeth." The man replied, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose." "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken aback at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker tried them and happily replied, "They fit perfectly." With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?" "No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied. "Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you," the woman said. "That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

My kids are like inmates at a jail... They eat for free, they claim they are innocent, and they don’t like the warden.

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" "Autumn," he replied.

Nearly 100% of all deaths occur on Earth... That makes it the deadliest planet in the Solar System.

A tourist stopped at a country gas station. While his car was being serviced, he noticed an old-timer basking in the sun with a piece of rope in his hand. The tourist walked up to the old-timer and asked, “What do you have there?” “That’s a weather gauge, sonny,” the old-timer replied. “How can you possibly tell the weather with a piece of rope?” “It’s simple,” said the old-timer. “When it swings back and forth, it’s windy, and when it gets wet, it’s raining.”

Carl: I heard a new joke the other day. I wonder if I told it to you? Lenny: Is it funny? Carl: Yes. Lenny: Then you didn’t.

A telemarketer calls, "I would like to speak with Max, please." The homeowner reluctantly replies, "I suppose that would be possible, but it seems rather strange." The telemarketer responds, "Why would that be?" The homeowner answers, "This is the first time we've ever had a call for the dog."

Only in America ...... Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him: "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies, ”If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Me: I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: You are? Me: (Screams) Therapist: I see.... Me: (Scream intensifies)

Agent (to writer): I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Writer: First tell me the good news. Agent: Paramount Pictures just loved your script, absolutely ate it up. Writer: That’s fantastic! And the bad news? Agent: Paramount Pictures is the name of my dog.

A tourist is visiting a big metropolitan city when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "Okay," the man says, "you take the front and I'll take the back."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Did a little mechanical work today... I put a rear end in a recliner.

Milkman (to new hand): "Did you put water in the milk this morning?" New hand: "Yes sir." Milkman: "Don't you know this is wicked?" "But you told me to mix water with the milk?" "Yes, but I told you to put the water in first and then pour the milk into it. Then, you see, we can tell the people we never put water in our milk."

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally, a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, “The sign says to yield, not give up!”

Commuting to New York city a lady seated herself in the train that contained a solitary traveling salesman. After a while the salesman said, politely, "Excuse me, miss, but..." "If you speak or annoy me, I'll pull the train cord!" snapped the lady. Whenever he attempted to speak, the lady threatened to give the alarm. At last the train slowed up at a station and the salesman rose to his feet. "I don't care whether you like it or not," he said. "but I want that torn bag of strawberries you've been sitting on for the last 20 miles!"

A woman gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the woman and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."