Jokes

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says, "Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?" "Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done." "Nope, try again." "Oh, uh, you bought a new dress." "Nope, keep trying." "You got your nails done." "Nope, try again." "I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions." "I'm wearing a gas mask!"

A little boy says to his mother, "Mom, I'll be good for a dollar" The mother replies, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time" The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for 50 cents." The mother says, "I shouldn't have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time. The little boy says, "OK Mom, I'll be good for a 25 cents." The mother says, "How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn't have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father."

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning. Her husband replied Well, lots of dogs can do that. The wife responded, But we've never subscribed to any papers!!!

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.   Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."  "Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"    "Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."   "Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.   "Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.  In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."  The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."  "Why not," giggles the woman.  "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." 

A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."  The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."  "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Bob and his wife were walking into the parking lot when a friend, Larry, saw them. Larry asked, "Bob, why are you walking so far? Did your car break down?" Bob replied, "No, my wife read how you could burn off more calories by parking further away."  Larry asked, "How far away did you park?" Bob responded, "About 10 calories."

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversation with your wife yesterday." Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees." Bob: "Really? What did she say?" Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward

Old Saying. . . . My husband, being an astute shopper, as well as an employee at a large local hardware store, keeps an eye on all the closeouts and sales where he works. One evening he came in the door as usual, we exchanged our usual 'glad to see you' affection, then I noticed that 'I've got a surprise for you' look on his face. He held up two large sacks filled with items. In the two sacks were eight candleholders for 25 cents apiece, because he knows I love candles. The other sack contained ten bottles of window cleaner, which closed out for 50 cents each. I loved the gifts, but was overwhelmed with the quantity so I asked, "Honey! What did you do? Buy everything but the kitchen sink?" He grinned in his impish way and motioned for me to follow him. He is so good at that impishness I never know just what will occur next. Full of curiosity and love for my interesting husband, I followed him out to the car. He slowly opened the truck and low and behold! There was the kitchen sink! He grinned at me again and told me he couldn't leave such an expensive sink there when it cost next to nothing! I guess I'll have to find a different 'old saying' in the vernacular when it comes to my husband!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. "My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food. The rich man asked, "Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes." The beggar responded, "No, I don't. I am just hungry and want food." Then the rich man asked, "Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you." The beggar replied, "No, I don't drink. I am just hungry and need food." Finally the rich man asked, "Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend." The beggar again replied, "No. I am just hungry and want some food." Finally the rich man said, "Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home." He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, "What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?" The man replied, "No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

Phil: Have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life? Ralph: You bet. Hers and mine!

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town. A rancher rode past. "Say, friend," called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?" "Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered. "How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly. "Oh, a good two miles." A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?" "Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles." "Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

A new paratrooper was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from Above"... Later he noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from Below"... Then, standing in line for chow one day, he was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from Within"!

A Yankee tourist in London went aboard the old battleship "Victory", which was Lord Nelson's flagship in several of his famous navel triumphs. An English sailor escorted the Yank over the vessel, and coming to a raised brass tablet on the deck, he said, as he reverently removed his hat, "This, sir, is the spot where Lord Nelson fell." "Oh, it is," replied the American. "Well, that ain't nothing. I nearly tripped on that darn thing myself."

Pulling guard duty in the army is dull work. But I never realized just how dull until one night, with nothing else to do, I looked underneath my desk. There I found these words scrawled by a predecessor: Man, you must really be bored!

To show his appreciation to the community, the military base commanding officer held an open house. This included a free meal in the mess hall. A young private was busing tables when he noticed a family leaving a large tip. "Excuse me. We can't accept tips," he told them. "It's not for you," said the woman. "That's to help send your cook to culinary school."

A soldier sought shelter in the cook's tent during a dust storm that swept over the camp during war maneuvers. He noticed that the lid of the soup kettle was awry, permitting dust to blow into the soup and called it to the cooks attention. "If you'd put that lid more firmly on that kettle, we wouldn't get so much dust and dirt with our soup," he said tartly. "See here my young lad," said the cook angrily, "my business is to serve you food and Your business is to serve your country." "Quite right. My business is to serve my country, but not to eat it."

The soldier asked for a furlough so that he might get married. "How long have you known this girl," the sergeant asked. "A week." "Why, my lad, that's not long enough. I suggest you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married I will approve the furlough." Two months later the soldier was back, reminding the sergeant of his promise. "So you still want to get married? I didn't think that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for a couple of months." "I know, sir. But this isn't the same girl."

Marine corporal (at a party): "Do you see that officer over there? He is the meanest egg I have ever seen. He is an ugly sap of an officer." She: "Do you know who I am? I am that officer's daughter." Corporal: "Do you know who I am?" She: "No..." Corporal: "Good."

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

My MTI (Military Training Instructor) once told me that I was outstanding... I thanked him... He then said that I was out standing in the sun too long and it affected my brain.