Jokes

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her. He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan. The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me? Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you? The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty. The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor. Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

Two women were sitting together on an airplane. The younger woman turns to the other and says, "I don't mean to stare but your diamond ring is gorgeous. I don't think I ever saw such a large stone." The older woman said, "it's a very special ring; it comes with a curse!" "Oh my, what kind of curse" said the naive young woman. This ring comes with ...Mr. Plopnick.

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

Don had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married. “What!” shouted the boss. “I can’t give you more time now. Whey didn’t you get married while you were off?” “Are you nuts?” replied Don. “That would have ruined my entire vacation!”

Wife: “How’d your doctor appointment go? Husband: “Well, there’s good news and bad news. My blood pressure’s high and I’m overweight. But, at the doctor’s suggestion, I’m going to take up golf!” Wife: “And the good news?”

One night, a man's wife wakes up in the middle of the night and finds that her husband isn't in bed. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him in the kitchen sitting down at the table. He doesn't look so happy, so she asks him "What's wrong honey?" He says, "Well, if 'I will' is the shortest sentence, does that make 'I do' the longest sentence?"

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads: Dear love, Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel. After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did. Then, with a sigh, she whispered, “Won’t you nibble my ear again?” With that, the husband got out of bed and left the room. “Where are you going?” cried the wife. “To get my teeth,” he said.

At the gates to heaven a new arrival, George noted that there were two paths, one marked Women, and one marked Men. He took the later path and found that it lead to two gates. The gate on the right had a sign that said: Men who were dominated by their Wives. The sign on the left read: Men who dominated their Wives. The right-hand gate had a long line of men waiting, but there was only one scrawny little fellow at the left-hand gate. George, before deciding which gate to go to, went over to the scrawny man and asked, “Why are you at this gate?” the little fellow replied, “I don’t know. My wife just told me to stand here.”

Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. The Chad said, “I’ve made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word.” “Wow!’ said Sherman, “how did you manage that?” “It’s easy,” replied Chad. “My last word is always ‘Yes, Dear.’”

A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor. After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.” A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife? “How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, “Dear, what would you like for your present?” Wife: I really don’t think I should say. Husband: How about a diamond ring? Wife: I don’t care much for diamonds. Husband: well, then, a mink coat? Wife: You know I do not like furs. Husband: A golden necklace? Wife: I already have three of them. Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want? Wife: What I’d really like is a divorce Husband: Hmmm, I wasn’t planning on spending that much

Married life is boring. The first year of marriage, the husband does the talking and the wife listens. The second year, the wife talks and the husband listen. And, finally, starting the third year, they both talk and the neighbors do the listening.

Q.Whats wrong when your wife nags at you in the front room? A.You made her chain too long.

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what today is?" "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

A man had just presented his wife with the fox coat she had been coaxing and cajoling him to by her for weeks. Now he was perplexed to see her examining it with a sad look. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Don’t you like the coat?” he asked. “I love it,” she answered. “It’s just that I was feeling sorry for the poor little creature who was skinned alive so that I could have the pleasure of wearing this coat.” “Why, thank you,” said the husband.

John, and avant-garde painter got married. Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?" "It's great," she answered. "My husband paints, I cook; then we try to guess whe he painted and what I cooked."

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like." "Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone whos' just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

The newlywed said to her husband. "I'm not cleaning up after you. I'm a career woman. That means I pay other people to do housework. "How much?" "Eight dollars and hour. Take it or leave it"

To celebrate their silver anniversary, a couple went to Niagara Falls and asked a motel clerk for a room. "We only have the honeymoon suite available," she told them. "My wife and I've been married 25 year," the man said. "We don't need the honeymoon suite." "Look, buddy," replied the clerk. "I might rent you Yankee Stadium, but you don't have to play baseball in it!"

An American couple visiting in a German village stepped into a small shop to look for souvenirs. The woman sneezed. "Gesundheit" said the clerk. "Charles," said the American woman to her husband, "we're in luck. There's somebody here who speaks English."

Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.” Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?” Wife: “In the swimming pool.”

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

One night a husband and his wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up. "Dear there’s a burglar eating the cake downstairs!” said the wife. "So should I call the police or the ambulance?” Said the husband

One day a couple visited a marriage counselor about their children. The wife says to the marriage counselor "the only reason we are married because neither of us want custody of the children"

about 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably. She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen. As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement. She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him. Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically. She runs over to him and asks why he is crying. He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?" She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail." She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is." He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."  And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

One day Mr. Jones was playing golf and died of an heart attack. Nobody wanted to tell Mrs. Jones. When Mrs. Jones got worried one of his friends told her that he lost 5,000 dollars playing poker. Mrs. Jones said he probably dropped dead. Funny you should mention that said his friend.