Jokes

Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave her dad, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?" Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo-knee.

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a serious bunch. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following was an exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

An Orderly in a Paratrooper battalion must make a jump once a month. The Captain rushes in and says, "I know you have a lot of work so I have transportation for you to our airport, a plane waiting for you, a Jeep will be on the ground waiting to whisk you back quickly." The Orderly goes out and there isn't any transportation and they have to call for it. When they get to the airport the plane is late getting there. He gets on the plane and has to wait for someone to bring his parachute. When he finally jumps he pulls his cord and the chute doesn't open, he pulls his emergency cord and that don,t work also. He says to himself, "I bet the Jeep won't be there either!"

Shortly after reporting to the 101st Airborne Division, we were ordered to fall out in our dress uniforms. Only problem was, I didn't know how to tie a necktie. So I asked the guy in the next bunk for help. "Sure," he said. "Lie down." Confused, I lay down on the bunk and he tied my tie. "Sorry, but this is the only way I know how," he said. "Comes from practicing on my father's clients." "What does your father do?" "He's a mortician."

Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, "There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn't know what to do." "Well, what did you do?" another asked. "When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!"

Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard Navy ship bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined, and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

Air Force Approach: "Eagle 13, turn right to 330." Eagle 13: "Roger 330." App: "Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, will you do me a favor?" Eagle 13: "Affirmative, go ahead." App: "Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with a yellow roof near the lake. That is my house. I had a fight with my Wife. I think we made peace but I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley. Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?" Eagle 13: "Negative sir. Instead, I can see a Ryder's truck."

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. “My dad is an engineer. He can do anything. You know the Alps? Well, it was my dad who built them!” “That’s nothing,” said the Navy brat. “You know the Dead Sea? Well, it was my dad who killed it!”

A mother was visiting her son on an Army base, and chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" she asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Why relieved?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." "No, YOU don't understand," the officer replied. "You're in the Navy."

The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school. The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work." An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement: "Resume all unnecessary work."

I had just become a Second lieutenant in The Marines when my mother and I were walking toward the Iwo Jima monument. We were about to cross the street when a truck was coming toward us. We jumped back out of the way. The driver, a USMC Gunny Sergeant slowed down, leaned out the window, saluted and told mother, "Don't worry, I wouldn't hit an officer -- there's too much paperwork in it."

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, California, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back. "Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked. Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared. The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You!" he barked. "Carry the radio."

Apparently this was an actual radio conversation: #1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision." #2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision." #1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course." #2: "No, I say again, divert YOUR course." #1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!" #2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

Down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boast another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night-time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from jump school. He was quiet and looked a bit pale, so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, lieutenant?" I asked. He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." I asked, "What's the difference?" He replied, "That means I'm scared, but with a university education."

A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercoastal Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers. Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water. He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. "Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

The commander of an army base had assembled all his troops for an exercise in combat. He told his troops.."When I give the order... fire at will!" Just then one of the soldiers was seen running away. The commander barked out, "Who is that guy running away?" "That's Will, sir!"

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!" Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

One day in basic training the drill sergeant came out and said, "I need two volunteers for garbage duty." When no one spoke up the drill sergeant pointed to two privates and said, "Okay, you and you!" One of the privates said, "But I didn't volunteer?" "Were you drafted?" the drill sergeant asked. "No," said the private. The drill sergeant smiled and said, "That's right, you volunteered."

During the first day of Navy Boot Camp, the lieutenant in charge had a stack of cards with each person’s name on it. He said, “When I read off your name, I want you to step forward, say 'Here, sir', then salute me, and then get back to where you were!” Lieutenant: “Andrews!” Andrews: “Here, sir!” Lieutenant: “Cooper!” Cooper: “Here, sir!” Lieutenant: “Seeback!” (No response) “Seeback! (Still no response) “I said Seeback!” The admiral next to him whispers something in his ear. The lieutenant then turns the card over and says: “Lodge!” Lodge: “Here, sir!”

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots, fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah. A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand. "If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?" Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."

One morning, in basic training, the drill sergeant came out and said he needed a volunteer for KP duty in the mess hall. After a minute of silence he pointed to a recruit and said, "You Volunteered!" Panicking, the recruit said, "I didn't volunteer..." The drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Were you drafted?" "No, sir." The drill sergeant smiled at him and said, "That's right! Therefore you volunteered."

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

Two soldiers were watching the night sky in Afghanistan when a shooting star came into view. One soldier said, "Look, it's an omen. Something bad is about to happen." The other one looked and said, "I'm not superstitious. That is not an omen." In the next instant the shooting star, about the size of a car, crashed to earth landing on top of the soldier. In great pain he slowly crawled out from under the meteorite and said, "Okay, wow... now that's an omen!"

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He quickly handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully. Soon after I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand. Instead the sergeant said, "This tastes really good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"