Jokes

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?" "No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for a couple of days?” The husband couldn’t believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled, and said, “That would suit me just fine.” Monday went by, and the man didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn’t see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Law of Equality states: The time taken by a wife when she says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is exactly equal to the to the time taken by husband when he says "I'll call you in 5 mins."

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband. "Toast and juice," Tracy replied.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out, "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

How does a woman turn a man into a millionaire? She marries a billionaire.

This guy wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale"

I went into a flower shop the other day and ordered a dozen roses. While paying for them the woman clerk asked, "Anniversary?" I replied, "No." "Birthday?" Again, I replied, "No." Having paid, I was walking to the door when she called after me saying, "I hope she forgives you!"

There was once a man who had to do a lot of overnight traveling for his employer. His wife repeatedly ask if she could go with him but he always refused. Finally, after much nagging, he agreed to take her. They arrived and checked into the hotel. While her husband showered his wife scheduled a wake-up call for six a.m. At six a.m. the phone rang. As his wife was reaching for the phone the salesman, startled by the ringing, woke up and yelled, "Don't answer that, it may be my wife!"

Daughter: My fiancé said I could have whatever I wanted inscribed on his wedding ring. What should I put? Mother: Put what I put on your father's wedding ring. Daughter: What does it say. I've never seen daddy with it off. Mother: Yes. It's worked very well over the years. It says, "Put it back on!"

They say "Love is Blind" .... But marriage, now THAT's a real eye opener!

Wife: "I feel like you are always pushing me around and talking behind my back." Husband: "Well, honey, you are in a wheelchair...."

A man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it says it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine!"

John: How do you get out of doing all the chores your wife wants done? Fred: It's simple. My motto is, 'Why put off until tomorrow what you don't have to do at all.'

An 80-year-old gentleman was being interviewed on his 60 years of marriage. "Is there one big difference in your marriage today compared to when you were first married?" asked the interviewer. "Well," said the man after pondering for moment, "it now takes me all night to do what I used to do all night."

Did you hear Bill Gates is getting a divorce? Found out his wife doesn't do windows.

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there. They have no wife to go home to... or they do!

A husband expects his wife to be perfect... and to understand why he’s not.

Wife’s diary: We had plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping all day with my friends. Later he was acting weird. I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late. He was silent at the restaurant too and didn’t eat much. While going to bed, he was looking serious. I quietly lied down. I felt that his thoughts were somewhere else. I had lost him. What to do now? Husband’s diary: My car didn’t start this morning. Wondering what could have happened to it. Had nice dinner with the wife.

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Becky said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that?” The women shot her an angry look. “Becky, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale," she said. "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied. "Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife... Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet! Inspector: What is her height? Husband: I never checked, she's five feet something... Inspector: Slim or healthy? Husband: Not slim, she can be healthy. Inspector: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Inspector: Color of hair? Husband: Changes according to season. Inspector: What was she wearing? Husband: Not sure. It may have been a suit or maybe shorts. Inspector: Was she driving? Husband: Yes. Inspector: Tell me what kind of car she was driving? Husband: A black 2015 Corvette Z06, with supercharged 6.2 liter V8 engine generating 625 horse power teamed with an eight-speed track certified HD automatic transmission with paddle shifters and a removable carbon fiber roof pan!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Wife: "I am going out for two hours. Do you want anything?" Husband: "No, that's enough."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars!" The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

Wife: Why are you late? Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Husband: No, I was standing on it.

Wife: "Last night I had a dream that you bought me a pearl necklace." Husband: "Wow, that's great! Tonight when you go to sleep, you can put it on."

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything. Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her. "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."