Jokes

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mothers." I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold. I can't figure out what she's talking about?

The Sheriff's girl friend constantly asked the Sheriff to get married. Girl: Please, marry me? Sheriff: I can't. I have to go catch the bank robbers. Girl: Please, marry me? Sheriff: I can't. I have to go catch the rustlers. Girl: Please, let's get married? Sheriff: I can't I have to go catch those who held up the train. Moral of the story: Some men would rather fight outlaws than in-laws!

Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen: "Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I said, "Thank you, darling. I think I'll have chicken." She replied, "You're havin' a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin' to the dog!"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE AND FINISHED. Some people say there is no difference but there is. When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong person, you are FINISHED. And if you marry someone who spends too much money, then you are COMPLETELY FINISHED.

A fellow married a woman, named, Ann. Years later they divorced. Now, he refers to her as "my Ann-ex".

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is wrinkled, and my body isn't what it used to be." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... your eyesight seems to be good."

Studies have shown that married men live longer than single men... So if you want a longer life, and a slower death, just get married.

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one. The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed - and with her blessing - he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $60,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “So instead of arguing, I would keep quiet and crochet a doll.” Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box, meaning that she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked. “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

There's a new drug on the market for women whose husbands are taking Viagra. The drug's name is Agravin... It gives a woman an instant headache.

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "Did she call you?" "No, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, and where does the insult come in?" "In the P.S.," she answered. "It said, 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?" Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."

You know you're having a bad day when... Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied. "Please tell him Mother didn't come after all."

I always read my wife's horoscope... To see what kind of day I am going to have.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I answered, "Dust." And then the fight started.

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store." An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty. “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said. "Well," he replied, "I said I was 87!"

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!"

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use these clothes. Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving. And that's when the fight started....

A husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, "What's wrong?" He replies, "I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage." "How many safe places are there in the garage?" she asks. "Clearly one more than I can remember."

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" His wife says, "Take half and leave you." The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"

Husband: What's your fee for getting a divorce? Lawyer: $800 Husband: But you charged only $300 for my marriage license a few years ago! Lawyer: Freedom is always expensive.

Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom." Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."

Husband: Honey, it looks like I'm not going to make it so I want to get something off my chest. Wife: What is it dear? Husband: I've been having an affair with your best friend, Julia, for the past year. Wife: Oh yes. I know all about it. Husband: You do! Wife: Yes dear, Why do you think I poisoned you.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "Honey, if it weren't for your money, you wouldn't be here!"

One night I woke myself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in my dream. As the next day came and went, I thought the nocturnal outburst was mine alone to remember. But that night, as my wife and I were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."

A married couple are arguing back and forth about the husband's time on Facebook and Twitter. The wife threatens, "If you continue to spend more time on Twitter and Facebook, then I will spend more time on Amazon and EBay!" The husband goes offline immediately.

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you." Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed, "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."

A men's Sunday school teacher asked the men how they would spend the next 30 days if they knew the world would end. The first man said, "I would spend it on a mission to Africa." They all agreed this was a great idea. The second man said, "I would volunteer at the local hospital and help as many as possible." They all agreed this was a worthy goal as well. The third man said if he only had 30 days to live he would spend every minute with his ex-wife. They were all shocked at his answer as he had endured a most miserable marriage to a shrew. "Why would you want to spend your last 30 days with a woman you hated?" they asked. 'Well, I really am not looking forward to the end of the world and I would want to delay it as long as possible. And believe me, living with my ex-wife would make 30 days seem like an eternity!"