Jokes

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife didn't wake him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Man 1: "Today Facebook saved my life." Man 2: "How?" Man 1: "It reminded me about my wife's birthday!"

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!" "Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

Husband stepping out of the shower, "Honey, I think I'm losing weight finally!" Wife replies, "Why's that?" "My towel's fitting a lot looser!"

"What is so special about the new app?" "It automatically turns off the phone whenever there is a call from the wife." "What is it called?" "Wifebuoy."

Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love? A: They got married in the spring.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her... They got married... And now he is going through HELL!

Husband: "I'm really upset you sold my golf clubs at our garage sale. You know how much I enjoy the game." Wife: "Well honey, I suppose you'll get over it... that, or you die unhappy. Your choice."

On his birthday, my husband was stuck driving our six rambunctious children around. As usual, they were yelling, punching, and annoying one another. Joel finally had had enough. “Kids,” he said, “if you would behave and be kind to each other, that would be a very nice birthday present for me.” Our six-year-old shot back, “Too late dad, I already got you another present.”

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing... "You can have mine!"

I work at a garden center and was tickled to overhear one customer saying to another, “I never knew what compost was until I met husband.”

A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, "I love you." "Is that you or the beer talking?" she asks. "It’s me," he says, "talking to the beer."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence... a LIFE sentence!

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her why she had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to."

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why???

When my wife and I went out for dinner I thought I'd have a little fun. I said to her, "Did you see that waitress? She looked at me and smiled." Without batting an eye my wife responded, "So what, the first time I saw you I laughed right out loud. It means nothing."

My wife got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days... Then the mud fell off.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies. "Put them back, it's a waste of money," demands the wife. And so he does and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. Her husband retorts, "Well so does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price."

Shortly after their honeymoon a wife came up with a list of the changes she wanted her new husband to make. Trying to please her, he agreed to change. A year later, after numerous changes, his wife started complaining he wasn't the man she married. Go figure.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are usually wanted.

Wife to husband: Do you know what a closet is for? Husband: Yes. A closet it wear I hang my clothes when all the door knobs are full.

Husband: "It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me gain all this weight." Wife: "That's ridiculous!" Husband: "Ok, 'Ms. know it all', if high fructose corn syrup didn't make me gain weight, what did? Wife: (drolly) "Going back for thirds!"

My wife and I have very different body clocks. At sundown she is practically ready for bed. I, meanwhile, am a night owl. Recently, after a long, hard workday, I announced around 8 p.m. that I was exhausted and ready to hit the sack. Suddenly my wife nearly leapt into my arms. "Oh, honey," she purred into my ear, "I just love it when you talk early to me."

FOR SALE BY OWNER... Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $100 or best offer. Reason for sale: No longer required. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Wife: “Why don’t you tell your friend that the girl he is getting married to is not apt for him?” Husband: “Leave it. I am not going to say anything.” Wife: “Why not? After all, he is your friend!” Husband: “He didn’t tell me anything when I was getting married.”

Wife goes to an astrologer to learn more about her husband. The astrologer asks her, "Do you want to know about your husband's future?" Without hesitation, the wife responds. "I will decide his future, you just tell me about his past."

During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining so I couldn't play golf. So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power, so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours. You know, she seems like a nice person.

Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back with a question when I ask you a question?" Wife: "Is that what I do?"