Jokes

A little girl loses one of her baby teeth. That night, before bed, she puts it under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy. The next day she wakes up, looks under the pillow, and the tooth is still there. She asks her mother why the Tooth Fairy didn’t come? Instead of explaining the mother yells out to her husband, ”Bill, you forgot to put out the tooth fairy money, didn’t you?”

What's the difference between a vision and a sight? When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight!

A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?" "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: "Buy a television."

Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns? A: Because they were just at a wedding. Q: Don’t we beep the horn as a warning signal, Daddy? A: Exactly, son.

A wife told her husband that he put football before their marriage. “That’s not true,” he said. “After all, this is our fourth season together.”

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers. "Is it working?" her daughter asks. "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's almost half over," he said.

Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them." To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"

A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang. "Who was that?" the guy asked. "My husband," she replied. "Damn, I better get going then," the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?" "You can relax," said the woman. "He's downtown playing poker with you."

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. "Who was that?" the wife demanded. "If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." "Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in Mexico?" For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Steve over there? Who's he with?" "That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. "Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry... That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?" "I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally and once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Landa Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the heck are you supposed to spell Landa with no L?”

A wife served some homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast and waited eagerly for her husband’s reaction. When none was immediately forthcoming, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?” Without looking up from his newspaper, he replied, “About ten years.”

My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation. When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"

I was invited to a wedding and when I get to the hotel, I realized there were two doors. 1st door it was Bride Relatives. 2nd door it was groom relatives. So I decided to enter the groom's door and I found two door again. 1st Ladies. 2nd Men. I entered men's Door and once again I found two doors. 1st people with gifts. 2nd people without gifts. So I used to the 2nd door (people without gifts) and then I found myself outside the hotel.

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband. "Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks. "Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.

After being widowed for a few years my sister recently remarried. When I saw her I asked, "I'll bet your husband talks about his first wife?" "Not anymore," she told me. "Why not?" "I began to talk about my next husband."

One of my employees who was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that had good news and bad news. Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!" "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" "Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

A bachelor is defined as: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you think?" she said He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir? Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour. I said, “Wait, I can change!”

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled. The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured. Tom spoke up, "I don't want my life regulated by some machine. I just can't stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle." Sarah took Tom's words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom's beer.

A woman comes home from a date rather sad. She tells her mother, "He proposed to me an hour ago." "So why are you upset?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me he's an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a hell!" Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?" His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair right at the front, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"