Jokes

I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I was delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air. Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener.

After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our genes," he sighed. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Her sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."

When my wife and I were vacationing in the eastern part of our state, our car's license plate was stolen. We planned to go to a local office for a replacement, but then we discovered that our registration had expired. The new one was at home in a pile of mail. After much thought, we came up with a solution. Taping a sign over the empty license plate space on the rear of the vehicle, we made the eight-hour trip home safely. Not a single state trooper stopped us, but many passing motorists took great pains to honk and wave at us. Our sign read "Just Married!"

A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, ”Did you get a look at the driver?” ”No,” he said, “but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.” “How do you know that?” asked the officer. “I’d recognize her laugh anywhere!”

How are wives like hand grenades? Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And???" Bill asked. "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know just give me something with diamonds in it'." "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. "I bought her a deck of cards!!"

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it means one of two things... It's either a new car or a new wife!

To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring... I had it engraved with the cost.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you assume the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn wearing my swimming trunks?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

The other day my wife started a conversation with a weird question... "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!?!"

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another. Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked. “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second!" said Mark. “Aren’t I your best friend?” “Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date." A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."

My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil... I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

I am getting married for the 5th time... Having been married 4 times before I can tell when it's right!

One night while I was watching TV, I got a call from a strange number. Before I could react, my wife reached over, grabbed my phone and answered it. "Honey," a sweet woman's voice came from my phone, "why haven't you been coming over lately?" My wife got so angry that she started making a scene. In order to calm her down, I had no other choice but to go shopping with her and bought the bag she had been wanting. When we got home, my wife went inside and left her phone outside in the car. I was just about to bring it in to her when the phone buzzed. A new message appeared on the screen... "Did you get that bag?"

My wife and I recently took a trip down Route 66. We took side trips if it looked promising. On one of these side trips we passed this quaint country store. Then we kept passing stores similar to that one. After the third time my wife says out loud, "How many roads does a man have to drive down before he admits he's lost?"

The neighborhood I lived in had a storm rapidly pass through. When I returned home from work I noticed our outbuilding was gone. Asking my wife about it, her reply was simple, "Gone with the Wind!"

My husband, who thinks he is always right, had just got home wearing his new orthopedic shoes when he uttered words I never expected to hear... "I STAND CORRECTED!"

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read: "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died. Golf clubs for sale.'"

My wife complained that the kitchen clock had nearly killed her mother, as it fell off the wall seconds after where she had been sitting underneath it. That darn clock has always been slow.

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi," the man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife… spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"

My wife said to me, "How on earth are we going to use 9% less gas this winter?" "You can stop burning my dinner for a start," I replied.

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!"

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit. Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room. "You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"

"I want to divorce my wife." "On what grounds?" "She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." "Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?" "No, she is looking for me."

My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over. I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder in the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle. When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?"

A husband and wife were arguing about who gets to go to the gym and who has to stay home and babysit. The husband says, "If the gym just had child care we could go together." To which his wife replied, "I think you'd frighten away the other children dear!"