Jokes

Hebert was being examined by the family doctor who, after carefully examining said, "Yes, it is chronic evil which has deprived you of health and happiness." "Shh!" cautioned Hebert. "For heaven's sake doc, speak softly as the wife is sitting in the next room."

When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story. After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! Ah, but you must get that all the time." They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my husband asked, "What was that all about?" "Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said. "Yes, but what does that have to do with," he pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats."

Mr. Wimple was suing for divorce. "Then judge," he protested, "my wife hit me over the head with an oak leaf." "Well, that couldn't have hurt you, surely," the judge commented. "But it was the oak leaf from the center of the dining room table," answered Mr. Wimple.

My wife is incredibly smart. When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!” She already knew it was me.

Wife #1: "Hey, you look sad, what's the trouble?" Wife #2: "Domestic trouble." Wife #1: "But you always bragged that your husband is a pearl!" Wife #2: "He still is. It's the mother-of-pearl that makes all the trouble."

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?" Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?" "I'll say. What was the occasion?" "Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

I’m 30 years older than my wife. When she was born I was thirty times older than she. When I was 40 she was 10 making me four times older. When she was 20 years old I was 50 making me only 2.5 times older. Last year when we married, she was 30 and I was 60, making me twice her age. I figure before long we’ll be the same age...

Mr. Maxey was visiting his lawyer to discuss how unreasonable his wife was being. Lawyer: "What were you and your wife fighting about this time?" Mr. Maxey: "I pointed out that she was trying to drive a nail in the wall with a hair brush. Is this any reason to get mad?" Lawyer: "Is that all you said?" Mr. Maxey: "Well, I just suggested that she would have better luck using her head."

I just found out what a honeymooner's sandwich is! It's "lettuce alone" with no bread.

Bobbie to neighbor: “What are you getting your children for Christmas?” Neighbor: “Well, if my husband doesn’t stop staying out until three in the morning, I’ll give them a new dad.”

An engaged couple was having an intense argument. She: "If that's the kind of person you are, I'm going to break our engagement right now. My feelings towards you have changed. I don't want anything more to do with you." He: "In that case give me my ring back!" She: "My feelings toward you have changed. My feelings about the ring have not..."

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse?"

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card. She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

I’m the best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with, “Welcome back everyone!”?

Three worms poke out of the ground. Talking about the third worm, the first worm says to the second, ”Who’s that?” The second worm says, ”You could say that’s my better half.” The first worm says, ”You're married?” The second worm says, ”No, it’s my butt.”

A woman calls her mother. "My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again." Her mother replies, "No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you."

A lonely kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standard. He described what his future soulmate should be like: the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling. A couple of weeks later he received the following in the mail: a picture of a penguin.

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late? Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?' Wife #1: But I still don't understand. How did that kept him from staying out? Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew...

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

"How about two of them?" asked the pharmacist to the man who was buying a toothbrush. "One for your wife?" "No, thanks. When I buy a new one, I always give her the old one." He paused while several other curstomers in the store gasped, and then he added, "She uses it to clean her shoes."

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth." "But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it?" "Simple... If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

"Man, me and my wife had a fight yesterday." "Oh yea, about what?" "You see, I wanted to watch the game but she wanted to watch a movie." "So, how was the movie?"

My ex-wife was on vacation in New Orleans and sent me a picture of one of the famous cemeteries with the graves above ground... The caption read: "WISH YOU WERE HERE!"

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you!” Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.” “Not a problem,” the colleague replies, "just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.” After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts. “Oh darling,” she replies, “what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in!”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "It makes sense, don't you think? After all I married the wrong man."

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first seven years are the hardest," she said. "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Seven years," she replied.

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch? The dog quits barking once back inside.

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married... A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.