Jokes

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1996, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Gladys, a resident at the local assisted living apartment complex, invited her new neighbor to her place for coffee and dessert. Ethel, slightly younger than Gladys, sat down at the table and was anxious to spend time with her new friend. "Here's your cup, and there's a teapot full of fresh tea," said Gladys. "What an exquisitely clean cup and saucer," exclaimed Ethel. "How do you get them so spotless?" "I do the dishes with Joy," exclaimed Gladys. "Would you like a piece of cake now?" "And put it on this shiny clean plate? I imagine you clean your plates with Joy also? "All the time," replied Gladys. "It really saves me a lot of money." After some more conversation, and taking the last bite of her cake, Ethel glances over and sees a furry feline approaching her. "What an adorable cat," she exclaims while taking her last sip of tea. "That's my little princess! Come here, Joy," as Gladys starts putting the cups and plates on the floor. "We're all finished with our lunch!"

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat, and eat, and eat. I could deal with that too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup......I want to be a bear!

Why were two giraffes kicked out of the zoo? They were caught necking.

What do you call a dog on the beach? A Hot Dog

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and she asked what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLOOOOO," answered the friend. "They're watch dogs!"

(German Sheppard parents to their puppy named Max) Max you'll need to keep your nose to the grindstone and become a working dog if you want to have a bright future. (Max the puppy) But my friend has kept his nose to the grindstone and he doesn’t have a job. (Mother replies) Not really Max, your friend Arf Arf is just a Pug.

I lost a valuable Indian Head penny in my yard the other day. Good thing I have my pet bloodhound Barney. I let him outside to try to find it, and good ol' Barney picked up the cent right away!

Q: Why should you never give a bear alot of food? A: Because they won't be able to bear it all.

A baby mouse sees a bat flying overhead and says, "Mom! I think I see an angel!"

A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was 'all torn up'. "What happened?" he asked. "Well, we were hunting the Mamba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck." "Go on." the friend said. "Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes." "So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked. "Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"

What do you call a dinosaur that turns small words into big words? A Thesaurus!

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

A grandfather and grandson were taking a nature hike together. The grandfather remarked how nature can teach us many lessons. The grandson asked which lesson was the most important one he had learned. The grandfather replied, "Well, if you find a baby squirrel in the woods, don’t carry it in your shirt unless you’re wearing a very tight belt."

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Why did the turtle cross the road? To slow down traffic.

You can change a cat's litter box but you can't change its Purr-ceptions!

My poor kitty bumped her head last night and I think I have to take her to the vet to get a CAT scan, or maybe even a PET scan. She's been showing signs of psychosis. She killed a bird and said, "the dog made me do it!"

Politically correct terms for cat owners: - My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator. - My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job. - My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools. - My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity. - My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. - My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist. - My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food. - My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next. - My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative. - My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert. - My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced. - My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced. - My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture. - My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

Experienced ice fisher has spent an hour at his fishing hole but is not having luck. He sees a kid sitting nearby on the ice pulling in one fish after another out of the water with his pole. Finally the older gentleman trudges over to the kid and asks him, "I've been watching ya kid, what's your trick?" The kid mumbles with his lips tightly clamped shut, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." When asked again the gentleman gets the same response, "M-mmm-mmmm-mmm." Only this time with more emphasis. Upon asking the third time the kid spits out a glossy sticky worm into his hand and says, "Ya gotta keep your worms warm!"

A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a cow started climbing up the tree. Surprised to see a climbing cow the squirrel asked the newcomer, "What the heck are you doing here?" The cow replied, "I thought I'd eat some oranges." "But this is an apple tree." "I know. I brought my own."

I got a dog and named it "Twenty Miles". This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!"

What is the soft mushy stuff between a shark's teeth? Slow swimmers.

"Can I buy a live shark here?" "Lady, what do you want with a live shark?" "A neighbor's cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson."

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No I deer!

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

This story takes place at a large valley. On one side of the valley lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfast of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit. "Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!" "Not now! I'm eating." "Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important." "No way." "Please. It's urgent." So the bear decided to go all the way over to the other side of the valley. It took him half a day, he was exhausted. When he finally got there he was groaning and out of breath. "Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?" "Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the valley."

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road... and was cited for littering.

What did the turkey say to the chicken on Thanksgiving? You're clucky, you're not a turkey.