Jokes

New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read and write. Once the researchers finished teaching the pigeon, the first thing it wrote was, “Get a life, man.”

A bunch of bees were enjoying themselves by buzzing around and harassing nature lovers on their bicycles. "You know," one of the bees said, "if we had arms and legs, it would be a lot easier pedaling these things!"

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the sheep's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the sheep. "Your name is written inside the cover." 

Morris the cat and Duke the dog were talking with each other. Morris: "What's up Duke? You look like you're in pain." Duke: "Mmm er mmme errmmm." Morris: "What'd you say? I can't understand you." Duke (pointing off to the side): "Uhhhhh mmmm eeeeerrrrruf." Morris then looks off to the side where he sees his cousin Felix running away with something hanging out of his mouth. Duke (still pointing): "Thhhhh eeee rrrrrrf uuuhh!" Morris: "Oh, I get it. Cat got your tongue huh?"

Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy. "Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett. "I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail." "I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett. "Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!" "What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my, I could be eating a slow learner..."

Q: How can you tell if your neighbor's cat is a criminal? A: Your dog is missing and there is a ransom note demanding tuna.

Two mice scavenging in an old studio warehouse find some old celluloid film. Mouse 1: This looks really old! I wonder what film it is? Mouse 2: The can is right here... Oh, it's "Gone with the Wind"! Mouse 1: Well, maybe it's still good - let me take a bite. Mouse 2: Well? How is it? Mouse 1: Nothing much. The book was better.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not too eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused and then replied, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage. Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves. "What in the world is he doing?" shouted one. "Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled another. "Don't worry about him," replied the man's son. "That's just my dad. He likes to read between the lions."

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

Morty to his vet: "Doc, I have a problem with my dog." Dr. Saul: "Tell me more." Morty: "He's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth, and he can talk." Dr. Saul: "That's impossible!" Morty: "Watch this. Seth, Fetch!" Seth: "So why are you talking to me like that? You only call me when you want something. You make me sleep on the cold floor. You give me this crappy food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a fast pish and right back home." Dr. Saul: "This is remarkable! So what's the problem?" Morty: "He has a hearing problem. I said 'Fetch', NOT 'Kvetch'."

Two seagulls were flying toward a very crowded beach. They couldn’t believe their eyes when they spotted a flying cow in front of them. The one seagull turned to the other one and said, "I have a feeling someone’s going to have a very bad day."

Two dogs wearing their finest collars entered a bar. After ordering they noticed that all the other dogs in the bar were not wearing collars. That's when they realized they were in a STRAY BAR.

A gecko was talking a stroll in the park and came upon a duck. He said, "Hi duck, what do you do for a living?" The duck replied, "I sell gap insurance so if you’re out of work you still have money coming in." The duck then asked how the gecko made a living. The gecko said, "I also sell insurance but I sell every kind of insurance you can imagine! I sell house, car, life…" Before he could finish the duck ate the gecko! The duck said, "Well, at least he had good coverage!"

Two ducks are in a pond. One went "Quack quack!" and the other duck said, "That's funny, I was just about to say that!" 

What do you call an insane cow removed from his pasture and locked up in a pen? De-ranged!

If a rooster laid an egg on the top of the roof, which way will the egg fall if the wind is blowing west? Answer: Roosters do not lay eggs.

Farm Boy: My pop can't decide whether to get a new cow or tractor for his farm. City Boy: He'd certainly look silly riding around on a cow. Farm Boy: Yeah, but he would look a lot sillier milking a tractor!

Abner: We've got a hen down at our house that lays white eggs. Luke: What's so wonderful about that? Abner: Can you do it?

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? It's time to get a new fence.

A guy and his dog went into a bar. The guy tells the bartender, named Rafe, that his dog is the smartest dog in the world. Rafe tells the guy to prove it. Guy: What's the bartenders name? Dog: Rafe! Guy: What's the thing that covers a house? Dog: Roof! Guy: What is the opposite of smooth? Dog: Rough! Guy: Who's the greatest baseball player of all time? Dog: Ruth! Then Rafe kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar because he's had enough of their trickery. When outside the bar, the dog says to the guy, "I think I know what went wrong. I should have said 'Mantle'!"

An effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

What did the hungry cow shout out to the farmer as he was walking by? "HAAAAAY!!!!"

I saw some footage from Scotland showing the Loch Ness monster actually posting something on MySpace. It is obviously a fraud. NO ONE uses MySpace anymore.

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds. One cold evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found. The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..." The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please dear," she said, "not in front of the chilled wren."

How does a firefly feel when it loses its glow? De-lighted!

To stop King Kong's rampage, the U.S. Army got their top strategists together and came up with a terrific plan. They built a massive catapult engine, loaded a 1966 Volkswagen in it, and hurled the vehicle directly at the side of the giant ape's head. In other words, they put a bug in his ear.