Jokes

Q: What did the sick fish say to his friend? A: I'm a little green around the gills.

Two bats and a bunny walk into a restaurant and order a round of pizzas. The waiter brings out the order, and when they're finished he says, "That'll be 68 bucks, guys." The bunny pays, and the waiter says, "We don't get a lot of customers like you guys in here, you know." The bunny says, "At 68 bucks for three small pizzas, I'm not surprised."

Fish Number One: "I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to get out of this lake." Fish Number Two: "Looks like you've already donated. Now what's your excuse?"

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: "Put it on my bill."

I ran into my neighbor walking his 2 pit bulls. He told me he was going to the maul. I hope I heard that correctly.

This guy just sat around, snapping his fingers. Wherever he went, he kept snapping his fingers. People were beginning to get annoyed. Finally a man walked up to him and asked him why he kept snapping his fingers. "To keep the elephants away," was the reply. "Elephants? There aren't any elephants within 1,000 miles of here!" "Then it must be working!"

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?" "Demon," I replied. "Demon? That's an odd name," she said. "Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway." I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?" "Yes, it is." "You really don't like cats, do you?"

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses. Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

Farmer John was in need of money and decided to try to sell his talking cow Bessie. He put an ad on Craig's List and got a call the first day. The potential buyer came over and wanted to see if indeed Bessie could talk. "My name is Ralph, and I'd like to see your talking cow." Farmer John led him to the barn where Bessie was. "Here she is," Farmer John said. "I'll ask her a question and she'll answer it. Bessie, what do you call a person who borrows money without intending to pay it back?" "Moooooo….." said Bessie. "See? She just said mooch! Here's another one. Bessie, if I wake up feeling crabby, I'm in a bad…." "Moooooo….." said Bessie. "Right! A bad mood! One more. Bessie, what is that bright object in the night sky?" "Moooooo……" answered Bessie. "The moon! Right! So, ready to take her home, Ralph?" "You, sir, are an idiot! I wouldn't buy diddly squat from you! Good bye!" Farmer John pondered for a moment, then asked Bessie, "I think that last question still didn't convince him. What do you think, Bessie?" Bessie replied, "I think you're right. I probably should have said Venus!"

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination. The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

There is this boat on a jungle tour crowded with cheerful and motivated tourists. That was when they saw a frog sitting on the edge of the boat with a languid and sad look holding on to his old guitar. A tourist asks the captain what was the meaning of that? - Look, sir. He likes attention, he is a "show frog" and plays and sings for fun. Whenever someone touches his left leg, he then raises his left leg and plays popular music. And whenever you touch his right leg, he raises his right leg and plays soft music . - And if someone touches both his legs? - Don't be dumb sir, if you touch both his legs, then he raises both legs, falls backwards, and sinks in the water.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on them. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.

Why is it so hard to shoe flies? Because their feet are so tiny.

I got one of those talking dog collars for my chihuahua who I named 'Ding-Bat'. The collar is supposed to tell you what the dog is trying to say. Ding-Bat would just glare at me and say "merk, merk". I sent the malfunctioning collar back for repair. After two weeks it came back to me in the mail with a note. “Dear Sir, your dog’s collar is in perfect working order. The problem is your dog cannot pronounce his J’s.”

A man was driving down a country road and he was passed by what seemed to be a chicken that had three legs. The man sped up and followed the chicken, who turned down a long driveway leading to an old farm house. The man pulled up next to the house and out came a farmer, his wife, and their son. The man said, "Did you see that, a three legged chicken!" The farmer replied, "Oh yes, we once had a three legged chicken hatch so we bred it because all of us like to have a chicken leg at dinner and this solves the problem." The man scratched his head and asked, "So how does it taste?" The farmer replied, "Don't know, we ain't caught one yet."

What's the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, while a cat only nine times.

There are two flies on the ceiling. One fly says to the other fly, "Don't look now, but your man's open!"

What did the badger say to the bear? Have a beary nice day, I hope it's not too grizzly!

What do you get when you cross a elephant with a rhino? Hellifiknow

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't. "Well," she replied, "the one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb. About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two birds. The Momma bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness? Very large ones.

What did the black bug say as it slid down the zebras back? No you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t...........

Bear fights can often turn grizzly.

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it." "I've spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

"Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?" "Yes, this is the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals." "I want you to send somebody over right away." "What's wrong?" "There's a horrid magazine salesman, just sitting in a tree teasing my dog."

What do you call a three humped camel? Pregnant!

What did the shark say to the clam when it would not share its candy? Why are you so shellfish?