Jokes

After 10 years, a mother can no longer deny that her child does not look like her or her husband. She decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you." Husband: "What’s up?" Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid." Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled its diaper. Then you said, 'Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.' So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there."

I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to “be cool”. As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, “Hey, I’ll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”

Five-year old Jeffery was sitting next to an elderly lady in church. When it came time to put money in the collection plate, the lady didn't have any money so she passed the plate on to the next person, who was sitting to Jeffery's right. He watched the proceedings and finally spoke to the elderly lady, "We didn't want any did we?" She had to contain her laughter.

During midweek church service, Ms. Smith was teaching the five-year old class. She opened with, "Is there anyone we need to pray for this evening?" Bobby raised his hand, "Ms. Smith, Johnnie broke his arm." "What happened to him?" "He was playing Superman and fell off the top bunk of his bed." "Then we will pray for Johnnie." "What for? He's gonna get better sooner or later anyhow."

A kid was a very good painter. Once a neighbor broker her nails while trying to pick-up a $100 bill lying on the ground because it looked so real. She called the kid’s father and complained about the kid. The father said, “That’s nothing. My son drew a switch on the power socket yesterday and now I am in the hospital.”

My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. “You know,” he said to our grandson, “it’s not easy getting old. I guess I’m in the fourth quarter now.” “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” Our grandson said cheerily. “Maybe you’ll go into overtime.”

A little boy went down the street with his mom. He saw a dollar bill on the ground and he asked if he could pick it up. The mom said, "Don't pick things up from the ground." Then the boy saw two dollar bills on the ground. He asked his mom, "Can i pick the two dollars up?" The mom said again, "Don't pick things up from the ground." Then the mom slipped on a banana peel and fell down. The mom asked, "Can you help me up?" The boy said, "I was told not to pick things up from the ground."

My daughter loved the movie "The Wizard of Oz" and wanted a pair of ruby slippers just like Dorothy. My wife found a pair that were perfect, except they were very slippery on the stairs. I told my daughter not to wear them when she was using the stairs. While sitting in my living room I heard the clomp, clomp, clomp of what I knew to be ruby slippers. I yelled up at my daughter saying, "I thought I told you not to wear those shoes on the stairs?" She replied, "Daddy, I am just carrying my shoes downstairs with my feet."

A small boy turned to his Aunt Mildred and said, "Wow, you're not pretty!" His mother overheard the remark and was appalled. She took him aside and gave him a real telling-off before ordering him to go back out to say sorry to Aunt Mildred. Suitably chastened, the boy went over and said quietly, "Aunt Mildred, I'm sorry you're not pretty."

Teacher: What's 5 plus 3? Student: Um... I don't know? Teacher: You silly boy, it is 8. Student: Wait... yesterday you said that 4 and 4 was 8?!?!

After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled, "GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!" My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said, "You mean you'd get rid of us and have a cow instead?"

A girl prayed to God, “Dear God, Why is it that you don’t make smarter men anymore?” God replied, “I stopped making smarter men, the day 'Smart’ phones were made.”

A kid asked his mother, “Mom, can you buy me those two toys that we had seen at the store the other day?” His mother replied, “I will buy you one of them. One is enough to keep you busy at playtime.” Later that day, the kid started doing his homework. The mother said, “Remember that you have two activities as homework today.” The kid replied, “I will do one of them. One is enough to keep me busy at study time.”

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I asked my wife. "Worse," my wife replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Son: "Dad, aren't you getting ready to office today?" Dad: "I am working from home today. Get ready soon otherwise you will be late to school." Son: "Dad, I am not going to school today." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I am studying from home today."

Some preteens were hanging out near the entrance to the local hardware store. "Let's do something dangerous," said Billy. "Like what?" asked Joey. "See all those brooms hanging up in the window?" answered Billy. "I dare one of you to take one of those and run out of the store." Freddy replied, "What would that prove, Billy?" "How brave we are. It'll be just for fun. And we'll return it right away and apologize." "Then why don't you do it? Just go in there and grab one of those short brooms," said Joey. "Aw, I was just kidding, guys," replied Billy. "I'm not a whisk taker!"

Daughter: "Mommy, where did I come from?" Mom: "Sweetheart, you came out from Mommy's body." Daughter: "How exactly?" Mom: "Well, your head came out first, then your arms, followed by your legs." Daughter: (thinking about what she just heard) "How did you assemble them?"

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. "Cool!" he said. "I hope I get a German accent."

At my ten-year-old’s request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod. "I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said. "Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said. "What do you mean, ‘old-fashioned music’?" "You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900's."

While I was making a huge batch of snicker doodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told. His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

May: "I've never been skiing before." Dad: "You don't want to, trust me." May: "Why?" Dad: "You meet many bad things, like pine tree for instance."

A 5 year old kid opened his birthday present to find a new toy car. He went up to his father who had just finished dying his hair. The kid was upset. “Dad, I wanted a red toy car and not a blue one.” The father replied, “A car is a car. Red or blue, color doesn’t matter.” The kid said, “Then dad, hair is hair. White or black, color doesn’t matter.”

A five-year-old boy had never spoken a word, ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold." She was astonished, and said, "Honey, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!" He nodded but still rode straight into a bush. "Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?" I asked, helping him up. "You said if I did, the bike would break."

I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt. "Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"

Visiting his parents’ retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim’s father returned from his walk and called out, "I’m ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You’re a kid?"

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy: What are you, crazy? Vern: Why not? I saw the other day he was carrying five elephants in one hand! Teddy: You don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy. Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.

Six-year-old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first embarrassing moment at school. Her mother, very interested, asks, "Oh, how did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital." Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed." "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

Brenda's five-year-old grandson Logan was spending the evening at his grandparents' home. He asked if he could watch the "Brer Rabbit" video and then made a second request to watercolor. Brenda asked him which one of the two he wanted to do. He looked up and replied, "Grandma, I have two eyes. I can do two things at once."