Jokes

I was driving down the road one day when I happened to see some kids with a lemonade stand. I stopped and found they had two bowls of ice cold lemonade. One was 75 cents a glass and the other was 25 cents a glass. I asked for the 25 cents lemonade. I drank it all down and it was delicious. I asked what the difference was between bowls because the 25 cents lemonade was terrific. The boys looked at each other then one of them said, "We're trying to get rid of that bowl of lemonade because a cat fell into it."

A four year old got her daddy out of bed early one Saturday morning. As he was fixing her breakfast she asked, "Why do you have one eye open and one eye closed"? Her father looked at her and smiled as he said, "I'm still half asleep."

When Queen Elizabeth II ascended to the throne, what was the first thing she did? Sit down!

"Mommy, why do all the other kids call me a hairy werewolf?" "It's okay honey, never mind them. Now stop talking about that and brush your face."

John wished his classmate Julia, "All the best on your exams." Julia replied, "Thank you and all the best to you too!" Later Julia passed and John failed. John came to the only possible and logical conclusion he could... "That only boys wish with a true heart."

For Martin Luther King Day, I asked my fifth graders how they’d make the world a better place. One said, “I’d make potato skins a main dish rather than an appetizer.”

Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake? Son: Well, it’s a sponge cake, isn’t it?

"What do you get if you cross a fridge and a stereo?" "I don't know, what?" "Cool music!"

We took our son to eat breakfast on his birthday and when the hostess was sitting us, she asked if we needed a kid's menu. My son looked at her surprised and said, "Kids menu? Excuse me! I'm a teenager! Today is my birthday. I'm eleven-teen!"

I found my 10-year-old son reading a book titled “How to Bring Up Children Properly”. So I asked, "Sweetie, why are you reading that? It's for parents, so it's for me to read, not for you to read.” The son replied, “That’s why I am reading it, to find out whether you are bringing me up properly.”

What do you call a geeky nerd who is texting and wears glasses? A 'Pointexter'!

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."

My 10 year old son got a little upset when he found out the reason why I had him practice and memorize states and their capitals. I told him, "Next week you have MAP testing."

Tom to his mom: "Mom, please tell me a story?" Mom: "Sorry, honey, I don't have any new stories to tell. But you should ask your dad why he was late coming home today. He will then tell you some amazing stories."

Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math. "Son, can you explain this to me?" "Well dad, the teacher didn't have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!"

What did the dim candle say to the new and bright CFL in the classroom? "Watt's up dude!"

One morning when I was seven, my Mom was lecturing me about an untruth I told her. In response I said, "Honest Mom, I didn't know I was lying. I thought I was just making it up."

Farmer-A sells apples. Farmer-B sells bananas. What does farmer-C sell? Medicine, of course!

Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.” My daughter replied, “Mom, aren't they all in the shade?”

Why should you never put an eel in a toaster? You will get an electric shock.

A father was teaching his 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. The daughter asked, "Do I click the square?" The father said, "Yes." The daughter then wanted to know, "Single click or double click?"

A young boy watched his grandfather put on shoes with a device he'd never seen before. The boy asked what it was. As he handed it to the boy, the grandfather answered, "It's a shoehorn." After looking at it and turning it over the boy asked, "How do you play it?"

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... All the king's horses and all the king's men... Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?" Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."

Child (looking at the sky): "Daddy, what are clouds made of?" Dad: "Well honey, EMC storage and VMware ESXi servers, mostly." Child: ......

Since I am a busy mom of four, I rely on my children to help me out with everyday chores around the house. One morning I was running around trying to get the children and myself ready, when I suddenly realized it was trash pickup day. So I handed a bag of garbage to my sleepy seven-year-old son and told him to toss it in the trash bin on his way out the door. Glancing out my window moments later, I saw him wearily boarding the bus. He was carrying his backpack, his lunchbox, and a big white bag of garbage.

Teacher: What is an island? Student : A piece of land surrounded by water except on one side. Teacher : On one side? Student : Yes, on top!

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

A young boy performed a magic trick and then afterwards someone went up to him and asked, "How did you do that?" The boy replied, "Very well, thank you. I did it very well."