Jokes

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

When my daughter was little, we took a vacation to Florida. Seated on the airplane near the wing, I pointed out to Rhonda that we were above the ocean. "Can you see the water?" I asked her. "No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board."

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered. "Hi, honey. How’s your mother?" I asked. "She’s sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper. "Did she go to the doctor?" "Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly. "Well, don’t wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?" Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it to school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy. "What happened?" I asked. "Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

A class goes on school field trip to a museum. A little boy breaks a vase then reads about it's history. He pretend it never happened. The school went on with the field trip until security stopped the boy and confronted him. The teacher asks the boy, "Why didn't you tell someone you broke the vase?" The boy replies, "I didn't think it would matter, it said it was priceless,"

A boy, at the circus for the first time, sees a clown up-close and dressed from head to toe. He says, "Look mom, there's big foot!"

My cousin, a teacher, asked her young students, "Why should you never accept candy from strangers?" One girl knew. "Because it might be past the sell-by date."

"Daddy," said my 10-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army." "Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you." "But I don’t want to be a pilot." "You don’t have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force." Her answer: "I don’t want to be a flight attendant either."

Sammy wants to test the math skills of his 5 year old cousin, Perry. He asks him, "If you have two candies and I give you two candies, how many candies will you have?" Without hesitating, Perry answers. "Before I answer that, first give me the two candies."

While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect... breathtaking views!

A first-grader came to the ophthalmology office where I work to have his vision checked. He sat down and I turned off the lights. Then I switched on a projector that flashed the letters F, Z and B on a screen. I asked the boy what he saw. Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."

An economist asked, "When was beef the highest?" A 6 year old replied, "When the cow jumped over the moon?"

As a dentist, I recently tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on my patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While I polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," I said. "Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."

Preparing my son for his first day of kindergarten, we were reviewing numbers and counting. Suddenly he asked, "What is the biggest number in the world?" As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"

After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance. The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!"

During weekly visits to my allergist, I’ve noticed a lot of inattentive parents with ill-behaved children in the waiting room. So I was impressed one day to see a mother with her little boy, helping him sound out the words on a sign. Finally he mastered it and his mother cheered, "That’s great! Now sit there. I’ll be back in 15 minutes." What did the sign say? "Children must not be left unattended."

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo. At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail." He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

Parent: "Why did you swallow the money I gave you?" Child: "Well, you did say it was my lunch money."

We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I’m a genius!"

It was Sunday morning and Mom told little Tommy to get dressed for church. She told him it was time he dressed himself. She then went to get dressed. After she was done, she went to check on Tommy. Little Tommy was taking a long time but he finally came out and asked his mom to help him with his tie. He had all his good clothes on except his shirt. His shirt was one of his old shirts that was torn and tattered. She asked him, "Why did you choose that shirt to go to church?" Tommy said, "It is the best shirt for church, because it is 'hole-y'!"

What does a yellow rock become if you throw it in the Red Sea? Wet!

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

"But why can't I talk inside the library?" Al asked his mother. "Because you have to be quiet. Noise is a distraction. The people around you can't read." "They can't read? Then why are they in the library?"

My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll call and he never heard his name. "Why didn’t anyone tell me my name was William?!" he complained.

The mother loved the picture frame her five-year-old son bought her for Mother’s Day. She found a photograph of him and replaced the cat photo that came with it. The son then became upset. "Why are you putting a picture of me in there? I bought you the picture of the cat!"

"Where is Pearl Harbor?" I asked my fourth-grade history class. "Here’s a hint... It’s a place where everyone wants to go." One student blurted out, "Candy Land!"

Q: What do you call an old snowman? A: Water

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars so I took him to his first car show. He loved seeing all the different models and brands and gushed over the big engines, the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

What did the lazy pair of scissors say the to dotted line? You are tear-able!

The six year old asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa decided to have some fun and replied, "I really don't know." The boy said, "Why don't your look in your underwear?" "Why would I do that?" he replied in wonder. "Well mine says 4 to 6 and I am six years old."