Jokes

A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside. The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!" The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "What's with your hand on my steak?" "Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

When eating out, 3 guys will each throw in $20, even though the bill comes out to $31.20. None of them will carry anything other than a $20 bill and none will actually admit they want change back. When 3 ladies get their bill... OUT COME THE CALCULATORS!

How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She had made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they had eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she had polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed. "What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked. "He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

Want a diet that is guaranteed to work? Make a sandwich with spinach, kumquat and catfish. Drench it in jalapeño sauce and yogurt. One look at it and you're not hungry for hours!

Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food!

Our local ice cream store likes to be creative with new names for flavors, but i think they have gone to far with their latest... Chocolate Chip Chipotle.

A lady goes to customer service and asks for a refund on the disposable barbecue she has brought back to the store. Assistant: "What seems to be the problem, madam?" Lady: "The food is missing." Assistant: "I'm sorry?" Lady: "Look, on the outside of the packaging it clearly shows sausages, chops and burgers. When I opened the package they were missing." Assistant: "Madam, it says ""contents for illustration purposes only". You have to supply the food." Lady (somewhat sheepish): "Oh. I may as well take the other two barbecues out of the freezer, then."

Oomga, a cannibal from the Congolese Amazon River Basin tribe went into the local restaurant for a bite to eat. "What's good today?" he asked the waiter. "Today, we have an unfortunate wayward explorer from Norway. Also, we have three shipwreck survivors from the Spanish militia to pick from. But our special of the day is fabulous," the waiter continued. "She's a tarot card and crystal ball reader, one who specializes in a rather uncommon, vintage method of fortune telling." "That settles it," Oomga replied. "I'll have the rare medium, well-done."

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied. When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order. "Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."

What did the trash compactor say to the wine bottle? "I've got a crush on you!"

Jokes about German sausage are the WURST!

A newlywed couple wanted to invited their friends over for a steak & mushroom dinner. The wife had all the ingredients except the mushrooms. The husband said, "There are plenty of mushrooms growing in the backyard." "Are you sure?" said the wife. "They could be poisonous?" The husband replied, "I will give one to the dog and if he is okay, then we can use them." Sure enough, the dog was given a mushroom and seemed okay, so they used the backyard mushrooms and served steak & mushrooms to their guests. During the dinner, the phone rang and it was their next door neighbor. The wife answered the phone. "I am sorry to bother you dear but your dog is dead." Frantic, the wife dropped the phone and the couple called 911 and had all their guests sent to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. When she got home, the wife called her neighbor to thank her. "No problem dear, but that car that hit him never stopped!"

A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it. A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man, "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis." Stunned, the man asks, "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?" The doctor replies, "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza." "Will that really help me, doctor?" "No", the doctor begins, "but it's all we can fit under the the door."

Martha's Way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone for Pete's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. Martha's Way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's Way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery, they'll even decorate it for you. Martha's Way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up." The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me the Real Women's Motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. Martha's Way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. The Real Women's Way: Celery? If it doesn't have calories, why keep it? Martha's Way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so don't do it. Martha's Way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. The Real Women's Way: Take a lime, cut it in quarters and rub it on the rim of a tall glass. Put lime in glass, fill with gin and tonic water and sip until the throbbing goes away. (repeat as required) Martha's Way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. The Real Women's Way: Go ask the cute neighbor to do it. And finally... Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?

Why do hamburgers always win races? Because they're FAST FOOD!

Waitress: Haven't they giving you a menu yet, mister? Starving customer: Yes, but I finished that half an hour ago.

Once upon a time, two very sheltered monks visited the US for the first time and wanted to experience life in New York. Upon visiting and receiving their first hot dogs ever, one monk asked the other, "Which part of the dog did you get?"

My best friend is coming up from California. He's a great guy, lots of laughs, but he does tell some really cheesy jokes! Ah, Good Ole Monterey Jack!

Some people who don't like seafood complain that it tastes too fishy... How can you be so arrogant as to eat something and then complain that it tastes like itself???

Why is Popeyes the best fast food chain around? They fry their chicken in olive oil!

The waiter was shocked when I told him I want my salad naked... Took him a while to figure out I didn't want any dressing.

So, I'm at a store buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I told her that I was starting the Dog Food Diet again and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (At that point practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, the lady behind asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

The chef discovered why his alphabet soup did not turn out as it should... There was a misspelling in the recipe.

When you're falling behind, ketchup and mustard the whole situation, so that you may relish it later on.

It's so hot here where I live in Florida, that I walked to the store and bought some cookie dough ice cream, and by the time I got home it was cookies.

I do not believe in diets. The closest I've been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

What's the worst kind of flower you can give someone? Cauliflower

The doughnut is the saddest dessert... ... it just can't find its inner piece.