Jokes

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Nuts are so expensive these days... Nearly cost you an almond a leg.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A baker stopped making donuts because he got tired of the hole thing.

One evening, a family sat down for dinner. The mother served fish and cauliflower. They were all eating, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone. He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?” “Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother. So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.

“I’d like two pork chops,” asked the woman to her butcher, “and make them lean.” “Yes ma’am,” said the polite butcher, standing then on end. “Which way?”

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read: Do not take with broccoli.

Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can't remember how to say chicken in English. Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it. Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!"

How does one feel where there's no coffee? Depresso!

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute. Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

Judge: Do you mix horse meat with chicken? Defendant: Yes, my lord. Judge; How much. Defendant: 50:50 Judge: Please elaborate. Defendant: One horse to one chicken.

Despite popular health opinions, donuts are good for you. They're a positive snack! Have you ever heard of a "don'tnut"?

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife? A: Meet Patty.

A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl."

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy Molly, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting half lit from all the beer. Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This not-so-attractive barmaid is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Texans! Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed my pants when I passed gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to suck on a snow cone! Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili? FRANK: (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)

Burns: Do you like to love? Allen: No. Burns: Like to kiss? Allen: No. Burns: What do you like? Allen: Lamb chops. Burns: Lamb chops. Could you eat two big lamb chops alone? Allen: Alone? Oh, no, not alone. With potatoes I could.

I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts. That's why I now only buy carrot cake donuts, so I can eat healthy.

A man walks into a store and orders some rigatoni, some mozzarella, parmesan cheese and a bottle of red wine. The clerk says "You must be Italian." The customer, put off says, " If I ordered some potatoes, cabbage and a six pack of beer would you say I must be Irish." "No." Said the clerk, "THIS IS A HARDWARE STORE!"

There was once a king who had a majestic daughter, he was extremely protective of her that he made a rule that no man is ever to approach his daughter. In the kingdom there were 4 men that were completely lost by her beauty and wanted to lay with her. They decided that they will disobey the king's ruling and kiss her. At night fall they plotted to sneak in to her quarters and execute their plan. Night fall came and they all broke in an kissed the princess. Pleasing to the princess she moaned in pleasure alarming the guards. The four men were held and brought to the king. The king decided to put them to death but the princess pleaded for them and the king decided he will release them on one condition. They must go out to the wilderness and return with 7 fruits. Excited with such an easy escape they rushed out: out of the 4 men 3 returned the 1st had 7 apples, the 2nd with 7 pears and the 3rd with 7 grapes. Becoming impatient with the 4th man the king said let's continue with the punishment, he told the men that in order to be released they will each have to fit the 7 fruits into their mouth. The 1st tried with his apples he manged one but couldn't fit the others and was put to death. The 2nd desperate to live manged 3 pears but couldn't fit the others and was put to death. The 3rd easily popped 6 of the grapes in his mouth but with the 7th he burst out with laughter and spit all 7 out and was put to death. Before he was put to death the others looked at the 3rd guy and asked: "What went wrong with you, why couldn't you fit 7 grapes in your mouth?" He replied, "Of course I could but I just lost it when I saw the 4th guy coming with 7 watermelons."

One day a green grape was walking down the road when he saw a purple grape, the green grape then started hollering, "Breathe dude Breathe!"

While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said, "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

1) You walka pasta da bakery. 2) You walka pasta da candy store. 3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop. 4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip, three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man. Barely able to conceal his pride." The man utters, "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."

Here about the kid who at 5 cans of alphabet soup in one sitting? They say he later had a massive 'vowel' movement.

"What's the worst part about eating your vegetables?" Putting them back in their wheelchairs when you're all done.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There is no Menu - you get what you deserve!

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

MONDAY: Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when my friends came over for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: New salad recipe: prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. This led to the neighbors wondering whey why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out another new recipe on. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to do a Chocolate Moose.