Jokes

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entree, is that a steak or a fillet?" After giving me a confused look, she replied. "Neither, it's a fish."

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners." "I am so sorry, sir," said the head waiter, "but, you understand-" "Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

There is a glass of water on the table. Optimists think the water in the glass is half full. Pessimists think the water in the glass is half empty. Opportunists and Realists like me, drink the water in the glass, put it back on the table, and then leave.

At a restaurant... Customer: "This steak is burnt black!" Waiter: "Yes, sir. A mark of respect, sir. Our cook died yesterday."

I could not find a frozen chicken big enough for my family dinner. I asked the young man behind the butcher counter if these chickens got any larger? He replied, "I'm afraid not, they are all dead."

“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper. “Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.” “Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere. It's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

How do you stop a Lumpia? You Pancit.

Following my diet plan for tonight, I had a salad that had lots of croutons and tomatoes. Actually, I only had one big round crouton, covered with tomato sauce and cheese. Fine, maybe I had a pizza. Ok, I confess, I ate a whole pizza!

Why is it quite impossible to starve in the desert? Because you can always enjoy the sand which is there.

Did you hear about the Orange who lost his seat to a Tangerine? He should have Satsuma...

I just finished a 14 day diet plan... in 6 hours and 32 minutes!

Two steps for making great tofu: Step 1: Throw TOFU in the trash. Step 2: Put a thick RIBEYE STEAK on the grill.

The gingerbread man fell while walking down a steep path and scraped his knees. He was taken to the cookie doctor who asked, "Have you tried ICING it?"

A chef friend of mine was trying to come up with a new, unique dish for his restaurant. He took a pot of raw fish and poured alphabet soup all over it. "What do you think?" "If you ask me," I replied as I looked into the disgusting pot with the soggy letters swirling around, "this SPELLS disaster."

I tried Flintstones vitamins once... I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet!

Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out... Good news is I can usually sedate him with three or four cupcakes.

What do you put into soup to make gold? 24 carrots.

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are... “disappointment-sized.”

Why are bananas bad getaway drivers? They are in such a hurry to split and they peel out.

You Know You Had Too Much Coffee When • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you • You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth • You sleep with your eyes open • You have to watch videos in fast-forward • You lick your coffee pot clean • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse • You can type sixty words a minute with your feet • You can jump-start your car without cables • Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" • You don't sweat, you percolate

The national vegetation cross-breeding championship was underway, and a couple of ladies were perusing all of the edible fare that were exhibited. "Look at these strange vegetables," remarked Sally. "Peas cross-bred with carrots, broccoli with corn; how unusual the way they look when farmers do this to our food." "What are the chances that food as strange looking as these are okay to eat?" asked Mary. "I think the odds are pretty good," said Sally. "Well, I think the GOODS are pretty odd." Mary replied. "I'll pass!"

Jake came rushing in to see his Dad. "Dad!" he puffed, "Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?" "That's what they say," said his Dad. "Well, give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window!"

I had some pie of mine that I put in the refrigerator attached with a note saying "Don't eat me." The next day, I opened the refrigerator door. The pie was gone, but there was a note saying, "Don't tell me what to do."

Eating too much pi, can give you a large circumference.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!" When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where chaos breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

How do seedless grapes reproduce?

Max was worried. Sam, his loyal deli customer every day for thirty years, doesn't show up. Max loves Sam. Every day at the deli he gives him the best cuts, charges him the least, treats him like family. So on the second day, his absence is again concerning. When he doesn't show up on the third day, Max is almost beside himself. The fourth day brings more agony with Sam's disappearance. On the fifth day, Friday, pacing back forth, not knowing what to do, he glances across the street at his competitor's deli. Through the window, he sees Sam at the deli counter right across the street. Max tears off his apron, storms across the thoroughfare, and confronts Sam. "What are you doing? For thirty years you've been my customer. I've given you the best cuts for your meals, I've charged you next to nothing, I've treated you like my closest family! How could you show so little loyalty after all this time?" "Relax," says Sam, "don’t worry. On Monday I had a root canal. The dentist said I should eat on the other side for a few days.”

A man entered a diner and ordered a large bowl of soup. A big horse fly then flew into the bowl. The startled man saw the fly, then retorted to the waiter. "Look at this bowl, what do you see? A horse fly right? What is it doing in my soup?" The waiter, not sure how to reply, said, "I'm not sure, but it looks like the backstroke to me."