Jokes

What is wrong with a chicken that can't lay eggs? Henopause.

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!” When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

The chicken wanted to go out on a Saturday night but could not find a sitter. What do they do with the kids? They decided to CARTON them around.

What did the Bloodhound say after the briefing? "Smells like a plan!"

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?" The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

A man needed a horse, so he went to a church and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God", and for it to stop you say, "Amen". So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"

What do you call a penguin in the desert? Lost!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A man walking along a road in the countryside came across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He tells the shepherd, "I will bet $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell the exact number in this flock.” The shepherd thinks it over. It is a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished. The man was exactly right. He says "Okay. I am a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait!", cries the shepherd. "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man agreed. "You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd. "Amazing!", responds the man. "You are exactly right! Tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well,” says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you.”

What do you get when cross an elephant and a skunk? A smell that you will never forget.

What goes dot-dot-croak,dot-dot-croak? Morse Toad.

A few animals are in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night with the check. The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent." The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!" The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders." The elephant blurts out, "It's on me, I have enough money in the trunk!"

What button does a dog push on the DVD player? The PAWS button!

Why did the rabbits go on strike? They thought they deserved a better celery!

A big bullfrog is in the middle of the swamp crying out his lament about being stuck so far from all the action. Out of nowhere this fairy godmother appears and tells him he will have an encounter with a beautiful young woman in three years. The bullfrog asks this fairy godmother why it will take so long. "The woman is only in eighth grade now, and will not be dissecting frogs in Biology until her Junior year."

A cow and a pig are watching TV. Pig: Wanna watch something scary? Cow: Okay by me. So the pig changes channel to the Food Network.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word "mongooses." Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no fully stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

The Stork family sits down to dinner. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your day dear?" "Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your day?" She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy." They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked. Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast! I flew all over, scaring the heck out of college students!"

One day an ape escaped from the zoo. They searched for it everywhere. They announced his disappearance, but no one reported seeing the ape. At last, he was discovered in the public library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers went there as soon as possible. They found the ape sitting at a desk with two books spread out in front of him. It was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other written by Darwin. The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother?"

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father. "How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment... an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. “Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.” As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. "Here, boy,” he replies.

Why is a kangaroo like a pool table? They both have side pockets!

What do you get when you feed a skunk habanero chiles? Pepper spray!

The pet store was selling three parrots. A man who wants to buy a parrot approaches the clerk and asks, “How much are your parrots?” The sales clerk answers, “The first one is $1,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and can solve mathematical expressions.” “How about the second one?” “The second parrot costs $5,000.” “What does he know?” “He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, can solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs.” “Then what is the price for the third one?” asked the buyer. “This one costs $20,000.” “Really?! What does he know?” “This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'BOSS’."

The hardest thing about riding a horse.... Is hitting the ground!

As i watched my dog chasing his tail I thought how easily dogs are amused... Then, I thought how easily amused i am watching my dog chase his tail.

If you told a cow a really funny joke, could she laugh so hard milk would come out her nose?

A farmer asked the vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way. The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!" The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"