Jokes

A weasel is dining at a restaurant. He takes his seat and starts looking over the menu. The waiter then asks, "What can I get you to drink, sir?" "Oh, not much. Just a diet pop," goes the weasel.

Why is the Sea horse the most intelligent animal? Because when reproducing, it is the only animal where the female says to the male, "Here's the eggs, you deal with them!"

My favorite animal is my dog, because every time I ask him, "How do I look?"... He always answers me by saying, "Wow! Wow!"

After many years of service, a rich lady decides to fire her maid and hire someone younger. When she hears the news, the maid takes a steak out of the fridge and throws it to the family dog. "Why did you do that?" asks the lady of the house. "I never forget a friend," replies the maid. "That was for his help cleaning the dishes all these years!"

Husband: "Did you ever wonder why cats are so finicky?" Wife: "You'd be finicky too if you had to bath yourself with your tongue."

What did the farmer say when his dog jumped off a cliff? Dog gone!

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone? An Independ-ant.

What's the most important thing an elephant looks for when buying a car? Trunk Space.

It's okay to watch an elephant take a bath... Because they always have their trunks on!

Three dogs met on a street corner. The first was a beautiful black poodle with a big blue ribbon around its neck, and it said, "My name is Fifi, spelled F-I-F-I." The second was a pretty white poodle with a red satin ribbon around its neck, and it said, "My name is Mimi, spelled M-I-M-I." The third was a dirty old mutt and said, "My name is Fido, spelled P-H-Y-D-E-A-U-X."

A guy walks into a restaurant with a small dog. The waiter says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow dogs in here." The guy replies, "But this isn't just any dog ... this dog can play the piano!" The waiter responds, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a meal on the house!" So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart ... and the waiter and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The waiter asks the guy, "What was that all about?" The guy says, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.

What do you call a herd of cattle with a sense of humor? A laughing stock.

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street. A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch. The snail looks up and says, "What the heck was that all about?!?!"

Sign at animal park: Please be safe. Do not sit, stand, climb, or lean on fence. If you fall, animals may eat you and that might make them sick.

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk, she hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of her, I tried to ease the situation and said, "As you can see, she just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.

When the Spider e-mailed the Fly, what did he say? "Please, come see my WEB!"

What does a polar bear eat in the morning? B-b-b-b-b-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-eakfast!

Two men are walking in the desert. They come upon a hole in the ground. One man asks, "How deep is that hole?" The other responds, "I don't know, throw something in it and see how long it takes to hit the bottom." The other man turns around and finds an anvil. He tosses the anvil into the hole and two seconds later a goat flies by and jumps into the hole. Just then a rancher comes up and asks the men if they had seen his goat. One man says, "We just saw him jump into this hole!" The Rancher replied, "That can't be, I had him tied to an anvil!"

In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler: "Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."

When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on snakes. An agitated student ran to fetch him, urging him to come quickly, as a dangerous snake was loose and terrorizing everyone in the building. The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office. “It’s not one of mine,” he said, and closed the door.

A client recently brought her two cats to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her. “That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer and stripes make you look fat.”

A brown and white Snowshoe cat was walking down the street with a doberman walking along side. I remarked that this was an odd sight to see. My son said, "Not so much, if you had the money grumpy cat has, you'd have a bodyguard too."

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor, she asks the dog to come back in an hour. The dog agrees and walks out. As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog. "Of course," says the owner, "send him down." An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus. To which the dog replies, "What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

There was a monkey sitting in a banana tree. He was very hungry. He knew that somewhere in the tree there was a magic banana, and that once he ate that banana, he wouldn't be hungry anymore. He ate one banana. That wasn't it. He was still hungry. He ate another banana. That wasn't it either. He was still hungry. Finally, after he ate his tenth banana, he wasn't hungry anymore. "I knew I'd find it," he said. "It's too bad that I didn't eat that one first. I wouldn't have to waste all those other bananas."

How do you ask a tyrannosaur out to lunch? "Tea, Rex?"

Q: What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: One says "See you later" and the other says "In a while".

Walking our dogs one morning my friend and I noticed they were both looking intently at a large cat. My friend turned to me and said, "Now that's a cat scan!"

I was driving down the highway when a fox ran in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and stopped in time. I looked out over the hood of the car and there was the fox, all wide-eyed , looking back at me. It did the sign of the cross and went on its way.