Jokes

While at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney’s Animal Kingdom park, I overheard a confused woman complaining to her friend. She said, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

The week we got our puppy, I caught a stomach bug and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon, my wife called to check up on me. "I’m okay," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room?" My wife’s response, "Who?"

Why did the sheep get a parking ticket? Because he was a baa-aaa-aad driver.

I think that a Koala should definitely be considered a bear instead of a Marsupial... It certainly has all of the Koalafications.

What are turkeys NOT allowed to say to each other after they've had a big meal at the dinner table? "I'm stuffed!"

Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh? A: Because it has its own scales!

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking. Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say. “Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.’”

In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck. The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’ So I'm guessing this is your bird?”

The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo". They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!" One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'" His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 35 years ago." "Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

The water went away and Noah threw open the doors and told the animals to go forth and multiply. As the animals left, two snakes stopped by Noah and said, "We can't do that." "Do what?" said Noah. "Multiply," said the snakes. "Why not?" asked Noah. "Because we're Adders," said the snakes.

A man had just bought a parrot at an auction after some very spirited bidding. "I suppose that bird talks?" he said to the auctioneer. "Talks!" was the reply. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Why do fish live in saltwater? Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

My parrot was looking quite lonely in the cage all by himself. So, I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to get him a larger cage and introduce him to a new friend to keep him company, a pet duck. Of course, I had to ask him first, "Polly want a quacker?"

How do you turn an elephant into an insect? Take away the "eleph."

Two dogs talking... Fido: I can't go to dog obedience school tonight. Spot: Why not? Fido: My master ate my homework.

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say... "Purrfection cannot be improved." "If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat." "Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years." "Take my advice. I'm not using it." "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?" "Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know." "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the fancy New Year's Eve dance? It was a moth ball!

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged. "I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!" she said. The groomer replied, "That may be true. But then you don't bite, do you?"

The crocodile walked into a trendy menswear store, approached the assistant and asked, "Do you have any shirts with pictures of people on the pocket?"

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump.

If an elephant has a trunk, then just where is his glove compartment?

Everyone's heard of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as the ninth reindeer, but many people don't know that there is a tenth one whose name was Olive. "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names..."

Never tell a pig a secret... because they love to squeel.

What are the facilities called where huskies are trained to start their sleds moving and to speed them up in the Iditarod sled competition? Mush Rooms.

Two horse enthusiasts were having a conversation. "I found a veterinarian that specializes in racehorses. Their legs and joints can get very tender and fragile as they get old. My 'ol Betsy is starting to have problems trotting." "What's so great about this place?" "They're professional, experienced, and they have extremely fast service." "So what's this place called?" "Po-Knee Express!"

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers... - He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse. - SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question. - Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work. - Three words: carpal paw syndrome. - Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working. - The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating. - He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”. - It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits. - The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms. - He can’t stick his head out of Windows.

Coming into the house after shopping. Daughter: Mom, please don't forget to bring in Pip's t-o-y. Mom: What are you doing? Has your dog learned how to spell?